


Kiss Me

by bandgeek82002



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Chess, Chess is a way to show your feelings in Star Trek change my mind, Hanahaki Disease, Idiots in Love, Jim has a lot of health problems but so does the author, Jim wears glasses because yes, Kirk cares for his crew, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, M/M, Mutual Pining, Protective Jim, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Tarsus IV, will put warning in chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 26,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26957179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandgeek82002/pseuds/bandgeek82002
Summary: James T. Kirk has had the worst luck with life. He was born premature and has a bucket load of problems. So when one day at Academy something most likely immunorelated happens, he elects to ignore it...until it snowballs where he can't ignore it. He gets caught in too many things while fighting an extremely rare immunocompromising disease because he's fallen in love, but get this: he doesn't know who with.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 76
Kudos: 146





	1. 1: Start of Something New

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Blinded By You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24203416) by [DaughterofDarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaughterofDarkness/pseuds/DaughterofDarkness). 



> Am updating Mon, Wed, and Fridays.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly just background of what's happening and what's to come in the story as the title is giving you.

Jim was born prematurely, three months that is. He had a load of health problems. He laughs about his luck. He has asthma, abilities seeing from retinopathy, shit loads of mental health problems, and the list of allergies from his never fully developed immune system.

He was shocked when he was allowed to get into Starfleet Academy even if it was on a dare. He had a feeling that Pike pulled strings to get him in. No one truly knew about his seeing problems since he had ways around that. His asthma could be dealt with while the mental health problems were buried ways down deep. His allergies were just going to be the death of him. He was thankful that his roommate was a doctor.

He had been at the Academy for three years, and he had just ran out of contacts and groaned. “Bones! Do you happen to know how to get me more contacts? I ran out! You have my prescription and all!” He yelled.

“Dammit Jim! Why don’t you just wear the damned glasses?”

“I have a problem with them. Look, I have a test today. Could you maybe get me some?”

Bones nodded as he looked at him in the bathroom. Jim smiled and ran out of the bathroom, blowing a kiss at his roommate. He ran towards his Xenolinguistics class, an allergy hypo in his bag in case of a reaction at the discretion of Bones. He slid into the back of the classroom and looked at the professor. He narrowed his eyes as he stood.  _ Shit! That’s demon machine guy! _

“Good morning class. Your professor has been caught with an undisclosed reason to not join us today. I will be filling in for her. My name is Professor Spock.”

Jim felt the back of his throat itching, and he had the need to cough. It felt wrong since the guy seemed to be irritated with him for taking the Kobayashi Maru two times already and having signed up for a third. He stood and ran out the back entrance hacking. Jim felt eyes on him as he grabbed the hypo and stabbed himself in the neck and administered the medicine.  _ Fuck. I gotta tell Bones about this fun little number tonight. _

“Cadet Kirk? I did not give you permission to leave the class.”

“Sorry Professor, but I was having an allergic reaction. I have a shit ton of allergies, so I dunno what it was. Premature births and all.”

Jim watched as the man looked him up and down before nodding. “Would you return to class and stay a little while? I might can give you something to alleviate that,” he said.

“Why? You don’t seem to like me all that much with me retaking your test.”

“Maybe, you do not seem to grasp the point of the test,” Spock said with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe I don’t believe in what your test is saying because it’s not true,” he said casually.

Spock looked him over once and hummed. “Return to your seat, or I will say that you are truant,” he said.

“I have sources that can say that I wasn’t, but I will return.”

When class ended, Jim stayed behind instead of following some of his classmates. He looked at the teacher for a moment before walking up and looking at him. “You wanted to see me after class?” He asked.

“You are a very crude person, but hopefully this list of teas can help with your ordeal. It is a long list in case some of them interfere with any of your allergies.”

Jim blinked at the paper before looking up at the teacher. “Why? Why would you help me?” He asked.

“You seem to need it. It would be callous of me as a teacher to not give knowledge out for someone in need of the knowledge.”

Jim felt the tears coming and a knot at the bottom of his throat. He nodded and jogged out of the classroom. As soon as he collapsed in his room, he felt the need to throw up. He ran to his bathroom and hacked up a root from something. He glared at the toilet bowl before flushing the toilet and sighing.

It didn’t happen until he was on the  _ Enterprise _ already being tossed off onto Delta Vega. He glared at the sky for the coldness and from the harshness of the guy that he thought would be a friend.  _ No one is nice really. _ He had to run away from alien monsters trying to eat him.

He then discovered another version of the same asshat that had kicked him off the ship. He was scared and shown things that he didn’t really want to know. That was when he had to cough. He didn’t have a hypo nearby, so when he felt a hand on his back rubbing circles, he was scared. He looked up and saw the person that was older but still had very Human eyes giving him a soft look.

Then he was back on the ship. He was nearly choked to death, yet that didn’t scare him as much as the sad and soft look as the older alternate Spock gave him. He took a shaky breath when he was able to and looked at the half-Vulcan. Something didn’t set right with him. He shook his head as he continued through.

Then, everything was back to normal. They saved Earth. Then, a year later the same thing happened, and shortly later he died from radiation.

He avoided telling Bones or anyone when he came back to life. He was going on a five year mission with the crew.  _ Hopefully _ , it was a coincidence.

It wasn’t. It happened for a week for two years. He avoided Bones because of Altamid and the stresses of being captain.  _ I can’t hide this for forever. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am also a premature baby. I have a lot of issues. I am basing a lot of Jim's issues on my own health issues except the vision ones. I don't have that bad of vision, so I did some research on that. My immune system, though, is trash to the point it actually doesn't really exist.


	2. 2: A Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the 5 year mission, one day Jim gets caught on his problems...by the most frustrating people on the ship over his health.

Jim groaned as he stretched, waking from the little cat nap he had. He looked at the time and smiled for a little as he grabbed his glasses, not feeling up to wearing his contacts at the moment. As he made his way to the bathroom, he heard a ding from his computer. “McCoy to Kirk,” it chimed.

“Bones! ‘Sup!”

“I have your contacts for you. I have a feeling you’re low on them. Swing by before you go on the bridge; I need to do a physical on you.”

Jim groaned but nodded. “Yeah, okay. I will. Lemme take a shower,” he called out.

Jim entered the bathroom and ran into a solid body. He coughed a little at the impact and looked up to see Spock standing there with a stoic face for being shirtless in the middle of the shared bathroom with his captain. “Captain? You wear glasses?” He asked with pure curiosity.

“Uhm, yeah. I have shitty vision. Look, Admiralty doesn’t know because they wouldn’t have let me be a captain with the long ass list of problems I have, but I just...can you keep this between us?”

Spock looked at him for a moment before nodding. “Does Doctor McCoy know?” He asked.

“Yeah, Bones knows. He has my prescription for my contacts. I have to get them after my shower and my physical.”

Spock nodded and looked towards his door before looking back at Jim. “You should get a different frame for your face,” Spock said finally before leaving finally.

Jim sighed and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He saw the glasses with too narrow of a frame and nodded as he set them on the sink’s counter as he undressed then got into the shower. He started to cough and lost the ability to breathe. He fell over in the shower as he felt petals in his throat; he slapped at the wall to turn the water off.

“Captain?”

Jim was curled on the shower floor coughing. He could make out that there was blood. He watched it go down the drain as he felt a towel wrap around his body. He shivered a little and looked towards the body that wrapped arms around him. “I am taking you to medbay,” Spock said.

Jim nodded weakly as he was carried out of the room. It hurt to breathe, but he didn’t know if that was the asthma or whatever this was. He looked at Spock with blurred vision and saw blurs of colors stopping to look at the scene. The doors swished open to the medbay, and Jim immediately cringed at the cold.

“Dammit! What happened?”

“He was on the floor in the shower. I was still in my room and overheard him seemingly choking. I do not know what is wrong with him.”

Jim felt his body get laid on a biobed. He whined a little at the temperature in the room before a blanket was laid on top of him. “I’ll run some tests on him. You think you can take care of his duties since he’s gonna be on medical leave?” Bones said.

“Yes, I can.”

Jim squinted to see the blob with blue, black, and white walking away. He hissed at a hypo hitting his skin. Within minutes, Jim was asleep while Bones was running tests.

Jim woke up to an IV in his arm and a throbbing in the back of his head. He looked around, realizing that everything was blurry. “Bones?” Jim asked in a hoarse voice.

“Yeah, I have questions for you. Have a sip of water.”

“Can’t see.”

Glasses were thrust into Jim’s hand. Jim slipped them on his face and looked at Bones before grabbing the water glass and drinking. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me you have that damned hanahaki disease?” Bones asked.

Jim winced and looked at him head on. “To be honest, I thought it was allergies at first. Then, I didn’t know what it was after Khan. I just didn’t wanna deal with it and your mother hen nature,” he said.

“I’m only a mother hen because you can’t take care of yourself.”

“It’s not like I was built for it. I was three months premature and the fact that I made it to thirty is fucking amazing given how shitty my life has been.”

Bones looked at him for a moment before sighing. “Yet you get a rare as hell disease to tell you that you’re in love. Do you want the surgery?” Bones asked.

Jim looked at him in fear as he drank on the water. “Knowing my luck, I’d get the way worse end of the stick. I can’t do that to them even if I have no idea who it is,” he muttered.

“You don’t know!?”

Jim flinched at the sound before coughing and got a lapful of petals. He grimaced at the blood on them before looking at Bones. “I don’t….Look, what do you know about this thing I have?” He said softly.

“Well, it seems you have the chronic one. That’s great. You’re less likely to die from it. However, it’s, also, harder to find out who the hell you’re in love with.”

Jim looked at the pile of petals and sighed. Bones looked at him for a moment and shook his head. “You can get the surgery, which you know the drawbacks to. There’s the thing of finding out who it is and telling them. If they love you, it goes away. If they don’t, that’s where this very well might kill you,” Bones finished off, gesturing at his body.

“I think I’m allergic to these,” he whispered.

“I’ll run tests to see what kind of plant they are. When you start hacking more up, call me, okay? I can administer an allergy hypo for you.”

Jim nodded and leaned back. He watched as Bones walked out. A little while of looking around the room bored, the room opened to have Spock walk in the room. Jim smiled at him and motioned for him to sit beside him. Spock stood instead, but Jim accepted it nonetheless. “What is wrong with you?” Spock asked.

“Allergies we think. I’m on medical leave for two days. Don’t worry about it. How’s the ship?”

Spock blinked. It was  _ his _ job to worry about it. He cocked his head to the side, and Jim immediately felt a flutter in his chest before the gagging started. He doubled over and started to cough harshly and hit at the button for Bones, but he lost his glasses in the process of doubling over. Spock stood there in shock as water and blood emptied out. Spock rushed out and found Bones in his office. “Doctor, the captain is in distress,” he said with an edge of panic in his voice.

“Shit! Why didn’t he page me?”

“I believe he tried.”

“Stay out here dammit.”

Spock watched as something fell on the floor from Jim’s mouth and he heard wheezing through the door’s crack. He stepped away, giving him privacy. Meanwhile, Jim was not able to catch his breath. He grasped weakly towards Bones.

“Jim, I need you to attempt to calm down. I have to give you a hypo. Whatever this is, you’re damn well allergic to it.”

Jim nodded numbly as the sting in his neck from the hypo went in his neck. Bones watched as he fell asleep before setting his glasses on the table by the bed. He cleaned the mess up and sighed. He stepped out of the isolation room and looked at Spock. “This stays between us,” he hissed.

“Understood.”

“Whatever hairbrained idea that damned fool had, he put you as his emergency contact for medical.” Spock merely raised an eyebrow. “I’m not telling you what my diagnosis is because he has all authority on that, but you very well are most likely going to look it up knowing how you are. I just-I need you to watch him and make sure that if something similar to that starts happening when he’s not in here you can administer a hypo to save his life. He’s allergic to damn near everything; I don’t know how he got into Starfleet.”

Spock looked at him for a moment and nodded. “He is a peculiar being,” Spock said.

“I should give you a list of his allergies since that might be needed for this actually.”

Spock looked towards the room and then back to Doctor McCoy. “That would be appreciated,” he agreed.

Spock watched as the doctor ripped a piece of paper and started writing things down. He sighed and looked out at Jim for a moment and shook his head before writing a little more. “Here. Be good to him. I will come to you if I get anymore,” he said.

“Doctor, if I may, where did you get that plant? It is a Vulcan plant.”

McCoy whipped around to where the plant was sitting on his desk away from his files. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Don’t remember, but I do know that whatever the hell it is that Jim’s fucking allergic as all get out to it,” he muttered.

“Interesting. It Is a Va’tsar. May I take it to the labs with me?”

McCoy waved him off as he watched him walk out of the room. Spock looked once at Jim’s room before heading to the labs to attempt to cultivate the plant.


	3. 3: A Little Bit of Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little insight of how long Jim has been dealing with this and how his two closest handle it along with him handling his friends.

Jim woke up and immediately started to cough up petals and seize from not being able to breathe. Bones ran in the room and looked at him for a moment as Jim settled down. Jim squinted at him before rasping out,” Spock?”

“He’s on duty. You’re on medical leave until this passes. He is your emergency contact. When’d that happen?”

Jim fiddled with the blanket he had and shook his head. “After Pike died. I don’t know why; it felt like the right thing at the time,” he muttered.

“Well, I gave him full authority to administer a hypo if he thinks you are in danger with your allergies and gave him a list of them.”

“Yay,” Jim muttered, throwing his hands up weakly.

“Jim, this is serious. Do you have any idea who it could be?”

Jim shrugged and looked at the ground where there was a blood stain. Bones sighed and patted his shoulder. “Jim, that plant you coughed up earlier. Spock knew it; it’s a Vulcan plant,” Bones announced.

“So what? I’m in love with a Vulcan or something?”

Bones looked at him for a moment before sighing. “How you look at Spock could be. However, it’s mostly the person’s favorite flower,” he explained.

Jim nodded and looked away from Bones. “I don’t think it’s Spock, but even if it was, I would be dead by now. He’s with Uhura; they’re perfect for one another,” he said softly.

“Jim, that’s not even remotely how this works. When’d this start?”

Jim thought back to the Academy. He shook his head, remembering the slightly concerned look that Spock had given him. He started to joke on petals as they came out of his mouth before looking at Bones with a worried look. “It was in Academy,” he mumbled.

“Fuck’s sake! How long?”

“Five years I think now?”

Bones started to cuss while Jim looked up at the ceiling. “Look, Bones, I’m fine. If I was going to die, I would already be there,” he muttered.

“Jim, it’s the fact that this has been going on for five years. We don’t know who the hell you’re in love with. This could kill you.”

Jim blinked and looked towards Bones’s voice. “I know, but I mean, if I die, at least make it seem I died cool instead of on some flowers,” he joked.

“I would kill you, but it seems you’re doing a mighty damn good job of that yourself.”

Jim laughed a little and reached blindly for his glasses. Bones helped him by handing him his glasses. “Can I go back to my quarters, or am I stuck here for forever?” He asked.

“You’re stuck here for now. I don’t trust you at this moment.”

Jim stuck his tongue out at Bones as soon as he turned around. Bones flipped him off causing Jim to smile at him. He then proceeded to sneeze with a few petals coming out. “Flowers out your nose fucking hurts,” Jim muttered as he looked at the slightly bloody petals.

“I’d bet. Now, I have others to see. Be on a good behavior.”

“Can I have a PADD at least to just do something?”

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Jim bounced as he was handed a PADD. He stared at the screen for a moment before deciding to read a book that had been saved on there forever ago. So much time had passed that Jim didn’t notice when the door swished open and someone stood in the room. “Captain, would it be rude to ask what you are reading?” Spock’s voice scared Jim, causing him to toss the PADD up in shock.

“Oh! It’s a classic novel from Earth. I dunno if you’ve read it. It was my favorite when I was a child.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before nodding. “I am not supposed to be in here, but I wanted to come and check on you,” he stated.

“Oh! I’m fine. How’s everything with you?”

“It is adequate. Are you positive that you are well? You are on medical leave for the rest of the week.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Bones is a mother hen. I’m positive. My allergies have taken a backseat trip, and now that I’m relaxed they’ve decided to hit me full force. It’s nothing for you to worry about,” he said with a wave of the hand.

“It is my job, though. I am your emergency contact and your First Officer.”

Jim deflated a little and looked away from him. “Friends ain’t even in that? That kinda sucks. Caring for me shouldn’t be a job. It was a chore for my family; I don’t want that to be anyone’s job,” he muttered before getting cut off by violent coughing.

Spock stood in the room while blood spilled out of Jim’s mouth. He reached forward and took Jim’s glasses off before stabbing him in the neck with one of the hypos he was given. He watched as a bud was coughed out of Jim’s mouth. Spock took a shaky breath and reached for a towel to clean the blood off of his chin. Jim reached for his wrist and gave a weak smile. “Thanks,” he rasped.

“It is nothing.”

McCoy ran into the room and looked at Spock for a moment then the bud on the bed. “Fuck! It’s worse!” He hissed, running and replacing IVs.

“Doctor, what exactly is the meaning of this?”

Jim was asleep in the biobed between the two of them. “Jim might be dying. We might not have a captain at the end of the month. He’s such a dumbass,” he muttered.

“Do you have any idea what could help with him?”

McCoy turned and looked Spock full on. “He told me no to the one thing I can do. He said it was cruel to do. While I agree that it is a little cruel, he needs something done,” he hissed.

“There is no cure?”

“Yeah there is! I just don’t have the one that isn’t deadly for him!”

Spock looked at the flower on Jim’s lap before looking at his face. He took a shaky breath and nodded. “I have to go,” he muttered.

“Do us both a favor and stay out of here until I clear you, okay?”

“I can do that.”

Spock ran out of the room towards his quarters. As soon as he got to his quarters, he started to pace. He grabbed things and threw them around his room. His hands touched a small book that Jim had gifted him the past Christmas begrudgingly. He muttered something under his breath about hating the holidays, but he participated in the “Secret Santa” game. Jim was Spock’s secret santa, and he had gifted him several carbon copy books.

“I need to know what is wrong with the Captain.”

Spock set the book down on his bed before making his way to his computer to look up what this disease was. After tedious combing through articles, he found one of a supposed mythical Terran disease: Hanahaki Disease. He frowned as he read about it before shutting the computer down and looked at the mess he made of his room.  _ Who could not love Jim? _

“McCoy to Spock.”

“Spock here. What is wrong?”

“Jim wants to see you. He just woke up from the hypo you gave him. He is threatening me with court martialing me, so I think you need to come down here.”

Spock nodded. “Affirmative. I will be there in ten minutes,” he called out.

When Spock entered the room, Jim was already standing from the bed glaring at Bones across the room. Spock stood at parade rest as he looked over the situation. “Spock! Thank goodness! Look, can we please get Bones to understand that I am a-okay and I can go to my quarters?” Jim said, his entire face seemingly brightening up at the sight of Spock.

“I do not know if that is wise.”

“Why?”

“Jim, if I was not here against the doctor’s wishes, you would have died.”

“Yeah, but that’s the thing! You won’t let me die. Neither one of you will. Khan happened, and you go batshit Vulcan crazy and nearly kill the dude over me. Look, I get that y’all care, but I’m not a baby.”

Spock sighed and looked at him. He saw the bags under Jim’s eyes and noticed that he had lost a few pounds. “Jim, I do not believe that you are a child. I believe that you are a very strong and capable man, but being in here, you are more likely to get the help if you have an attack,” Spock reasoned.

“Spock, I haven’t had many; I think it’s fine besides allergies are gonna be around my entire life. You cannot try and control me on that.”

Bones cleared his throat, causing the two to turn and look at him. “As much as I hate to admit it, the hobgoblin has a point. Unless he wants to be your personal babysitter,” he offered.

Jim narrowed his eyes and looked at the two. “Are y’all gonna be like this my entire life?” He asked.

“Considering you didn’t tell us about this when it first happened, yes. I will be like this you infant.”

Spock looked at Jim in alarm. “This is not the first time this has happened?” He asked.

Jim looked at him and then at Bones. Spock noticed a seemingly unspoken type of communication happening. “Look, I was barely friends with you Bones. I didn’t even really know you that well Spock. I mean, I couldn’t exactly look at y’all and explain whatever the fuck this is,” he groaned, meeting Spock’s eyes.

“You are suggesting that this has been going on for over three years?”

“Five. It’s five years roughly.”

Spock narrowed his eyes at Jim. “You are foolish to not let us know,” he growled out.

“Look, in my defense, I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I  _ am _ the epitome of being screwed over by my own damned body.”

Spock clenched his fists and nodded. “You could have died any of those days. Do you not care about that?” He asked, his voice with a dangerous lint to it.

“I was supposed to be dead years ago. I’m just coasting through my life. Honestly, I don’t care,” Jim said with a shrug. The nonchalant attitude caused Spock to flinch.

“Very well. I have to go.”

Jim glared at where Spock was standing as he raced out of the isolation room. Bones turned and glared at him. “Jim! What the hell was that? Look, I know you have no self-preservation, but you can’t just admit that to the hobgoblin,” he hissed.

“I don’t know. I need to talk to him. Please, I promise to not cause much problems.”

“I doubt that, but go.”

Jim ran out of the room and tried to find Spock. He didn’t expect to see him in the gym. Jim looked at him from the doorway of a private room and smirked. “Spock, I need to talk to you,” he said.

“I am busy.”

“Yeah, that dummy is taking a pretty good beating. Look, it’s serious. I need to explain myself.”

Spock stopped his flurry of limbs and turned to look at Jim with a raised eyebrow. “What exactly do you need to explain? You left little to the imagination in the isolation room,” Spock said with an eerily calm tone.

“Look, I know what I fucking said. However, I’m not wrong. Spock, I wasn’t supposed to make it past being a teenager. Hell, I wasn’t supposed to survive with being a premie. Yet, I’m here with a middle finger to my problems.”

“What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Spock, most of my files are not even known by Admiralty. Pike did that. You really think that they would’ve let someone with severe childhood asthma, retinopathy, and a shitload more of problems be in Starfleet on track to be a captain? I’m telling you this because I fucking trust you.”

Spock looked at him for a moment while Jim sat near the wall. Spock stayed standing, looking at the man. “You make a valid point, but you have been one of the best captains I’ve ever met,” he said.

Jim met his eyes and smirked. “Thanks, but that doesn’t do much to help with the semi-suicidal tendencies I get,” he said lightheartedly.

“How did they allow you in?”

“Never really learned about my vision problems. I get hypos for my asthma in places that might flare it up since it’s gotten better as an adult. My allergies they told me were going to kill me before anything else.”

Spock nodded curtly. “Please do not make any rash decisions and get yourself killed,” he said.

“No promises, but I’ll try,” he said, flashing a smile at Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, comment what books you think Jim gifted Spock. I wanna know your thoughts.


	4. 4: A Normal Day Back on the Enterprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim gets released and the ship gets a casual attack like usual and diplomatic ties for people that tend to want to kill people on the ship because that's always a trend in Star Trek.

The “allergies” lasted for three more days. Jim was allotted a day of medical rest to deal with the problems from hacking up flowers that nearly destroyed his lungs and throat. He spent it mostly reading over the files for the mission that they currently were on and an occasional game of chess with Spock.

Jim found himself later that day in the medbay with Bones fiddling with the tricorder over his body. “So, do you have any idea who the lucky or unlucky person could be?” He asked.

Jim glared at Bones as he looked down his throat. Jim waved his arms away and stared at the ground. “I dunno. I mean, I love all of you guys because you’re my family, but I don’t know who I  _ love _ ,” he admitted.

“Want my opinion?”

“Not really, but I have a feeling that you’re gonna tell me anyways.”

He saw the smirk on Bones’s face as he grabbed a hypo. “I think it’s the hobgoblin. That’s who I think it is,” he admitted.

Jim looked at him with wide eyes and stepped away. “Look, I love Spock and all, but that’s ridiculous. He’s my friend,” he said slightly panicked.

“Really? Who else would it be?”

Jim thought of anyone. He never lasted much with anybody on shore leave besides it’s been about five years he’s technically known Spock there was only Uhura, but he would gladly take getting asphyxiated on plants over telling her that he was in love with her. She dated his best friend, and there was still some friendly animosity due to their first meeting.

“No one,” he finally admitted.

“I mean, that one flower was a Vulcan plant. It has to count for something. Someone either Vulcan or really interested in Vulcan stuff. That would be our two smartest on the ship.”

“Hey! I took interest in Vulcan!”

“Oh? Are you in love with yourself?”

Jim glared at his friend for a moment. “Not like that. I mean, I know I’m fairly good looking, but I’m not just a pretty face Bonesy,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Now, I have to give you this hypo for your asthma.”

Jim hissed a little at the feeling of the hypo after it went through his skin. He glared at Bones as he stepped away from him. “So? Gonna find who you’re falling for now?” Bones teased.

“Nope. I have duties to do besides give you high blood pressure.”

Bones rolled his eyes while Jim walked down the corridors towards the bridge. He peeked into one of the labs that he was passing to see Spock and another science officer speaking hurriedly.  _ One minute won’t hurt. _ Jim shrugged as he walked in. He noticed the flower he coughed out earlier that week. He glared at it before he nearly ran into Spock.

“Captain? You are cleared for duty?”

“Yeah! I was headed towards the bridge and saw you in here. Wanted to investigate and see what was going on in the labs.”

Spock raised a singular brow while the science officer giggled slightly and hid behind her hands to not show that she found something amusing. Jim looked at her for a moment and regarded her short brown hair for a moment before raking over her long legs. He shook his head and looked back at Spock. Spock was giving him a curious look, but he otherwise said nothing.

“Well, nice to see you Captain. Commander Spock, I guess I will see you later to talk more about this?”

“That I will Lieutenant.”

Jim looked at the two for a moment before turning to glare at the plant he had coughed up. He felt as if he were intruding on something that was intimate. He felt Spock beside him before he noticed him. “She seems interested in you,” Jim commented softly.

“I do not understand.”

“She thinks you’re cute.”

Spock looked at Jim incredulously while Jim focused intently on the plant that he really hated at the moment. “I do not believe that is an accurate assessment,” Spock muttered.

“Please, I’ve been on the receiving end of those types of looks. I know them when I see them. She digs you, and don’t act like you don’t know what that means because I call bullshit.”

Spock looked away from Jim and looked at the plant alongside Jim. “That is a rare Vulcanic plant. It is called Va’tsar,” he whispered.

“Oh, yeah, Bones told me that it was from Vulcan after you dropped by and got it.”

Jim chanced a look up at Spock. Spock was looking at him with big brown eyes that Jim was having a time reading. He sighed and looked away first.  _ I cannot handle this. _ “Are you certain that you are well, Captain?” Spock asked.

“Hey, I’m not doing anything business-y. Can you at least call me my name?”

Spock tilted his head, and Jim felt something in his belly. He shook his head and looked at the other plants in the lab. He smiled, thinking that this must be where Sulu hides out after Alpha shift. “Jim, you still didn’t answer my question,” Spock said, a hand coming to touch Jim’s shoulder.

Jim flinched at the touch before looking up at Spock. “I’m fine. I promise. Look, I got cleared for duty, which I probably should go and do. I’ll see ya around,” Jim said, rushing out of the lab.

He ran towards the bridge before taking a deep breath and looked around him. He shook his head.  _ Bones is crazy. I am not in love with Spock. _ He sighed and stepped onto the bridge. Uhura looked at him first and gave a soft smile as she said,” Captain on the bridge.”

“Thanks. Report.”

Sulu turned and looked at him for a moment before going on about how everything was full sailing. They were en route to a planet that Jim didn’t catch the name of, and he was certain that Spock would get onto him for. After the reports, he noticed everyone was a little stiff and looking at him cautiously. He shook his head.  _ Must be my imagination. _

The turbolift’s doors slid open to reveal Spock. Jim smiled at the sight of him for a moment before remembering himself. “Commander, you are late. That is unusual for you,” he stated.

“I was in the labs finishing a project. I am sorry for my tardiness.”

“Just don’t make it a habit.”

Spock looked at him, a glint of amusement in his eyes while Jim just gave him an easy grin. He heard some giddy chattering behind him. He chose to ignore it while he sat there in his captain’s chair. It was hours into the Alpha shift when anything remotely exciting happened. Jim had been studying over the documents for the mission that they currently were en route for.

Jim jumped at the sound of phasers barely missing the ship. He glared at Sulu’s head before turning to meet Spock’s eyes. “Report!” He ordered.

“Shields are at eighty-seven precent. I do not know where the phasers are coming from.”

“Uhura! Can you try and hail them?”

“I can try,” she yelled back while Jim gripped tightly onto the railing of the bridge.

Spock walked over to him and looked at his white fingers. “Captain, it might be good to not attempt to bend the railing as that would hurt,” he said calmly even though he was more than a little worried- illogically- for Jim’s health.

Jim chuckled lightly and looked up at Spock. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” he muttered as he slowly let go of the railing.

“Captain! They’re coming through!” Uhura called, interrupting whatever was barely starting between the two.

“Put them on.”

Jim took in a breath at the face. The person had beady, emotionless eyes with a head full of grey hair. He recognized the face, though. He would always recognize it. “Oh! Captain Kirk! How nice to see you!” The person said with a greasy smile on his face that made Jim’s skin crawl.

Spock moved closer to Jim and looked at him. “Captain, do you know that man?” He whispered.

Jim ignored him and grounded his jaw. “What is your name? Why are you firing on a ship while cloaked?” He asked in a grounded voice.

“Oh, you don’t remember my name? It’s your dear old friend.”

Jim glared, feeling everyone looking at him. “I’m sorry, but it’s slipping my mind,” he ground out, feeling as if he were going to throw up.

“It’s Karidian.”

Jim whipped around and looked at Spock and Uhura both. “Send this to my rec room. Spock, come with me,” he said in a rushed voice.

“Captain, I do not understand?”

Jim grabbed Spock’s arm and rushed to the rec room. He looked up at Spock for a moment before shaking his head and seeing the man’s face on the screen. “Captain Kirk! Why’d you take us from your friends?” The man asked with a jovial tone.

“What do you want?”

“Simple enough question. I want you.”

Jim looked at him for a moment before looking at Spock, who was a hair’s breadth away from him. “Fine, uncloak yourself, and I will come aboard,” he agreed.

“Perfect!”

Jim watched as the screen went blank and felt the tension rolling off of Spock. “Look, before you start anything. I know who that is. I’m protecting the crew with this,” he said in a rush.

“Who is he?”

“General Kodos. He was the governor of Tarsus IV. Look, I’ll be fine.”

Spock looked at him, a vein in his jaw twitching. “I do not believe that sentiment,” he said.

Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck. “Look, if you get scared after twenty-four hours then come after me, but not before then. I trust you with the ship,” he said, pressing a light kiss on Spock’s cheek.

“Jim-”

“Spock, this is what I  _ have _ to do. I trust you, just trust in me.”

“I have always. I do not trust  _ that _ man, however.”

Jim smiled and pulled away from Spock. “I’ll be back in one piece,” he promised.

He ran towards the transporter before Spock could talk him out of this. He felt sick to his stomach as he was turned into atoms. He blinked as he looked at the transporter on the other ship and flinched at the sight of the woman in front of him giving him a wicked grin.

“Daddy! He’s here!”

“Good darling! Full warp out of here.”

Jim felt a pit of dread sink into his stomach before he emptied what little bit he ate that day over the woman’s feet then slumped to the ground.


	5. 5: Blurring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has a little run in with his captors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some gore a bit canon typical but also not in a way. Just a head's up in case that messes with anyone! It's not all too graphic, but I thought I should warn you guys!!!
> 
> Also, this is a shorter chapter than most others, but the next one is way better I promise.😉

Jim woke up with cottonmouth. He blinked, and his vision was blurry. He couldn’t make out anything. “Goodie! He’s awake!” A girl’s voice said too loudly in his ear.

“Wha-where am I?”

“We’re on our way to perform Shakespeare! I hope you know your Shakespeare!”

Jim grimaced slightly at the young girl’s enthusiasm. She smiled at him, getting really close to his face. “Who are you?” He asked.

“I’m Lenorre. I know  _ all _ about you Jim.”

Jim sighed and tried to move his arms, they were over his head and tied to something. He groaned and looked away. “What do you want from me?” He asked.

“You to feel like my dad has felt since his whole ordeal went down. You shouldn’t exist.”

Jim looked at the girl for a moment before sighing. “I  _ know _ that I shouldn’t exist, but what exactly are you doing about this?” He said, testing waters on how he could push this woman to the edge.

“Your whole life is a farce. You faked your way into Starfleet.”

“No.”

She smiled and pressed something cool against his chest. He couldn’t tell what was going on. He felt so uncomfortable without knowing what she was doing. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath as he felt something ooze down his chest. A giggle made him look at her while his vision was unable to focus. “Goody! That’s a nice amount of blood,” her voice said.

Moments passed, and Jim felt the sense of sleep take him over. When Jim awoke again, he heard Kodos talking to Lenorre. He didn't listen in from the amount of pain he was in.  _ Damn they must've injected me with an allergen. I wonder where Spock is. _

As if on cue, Jim started to cough at the thought of Spock. Something fell out of his mouth, but he was too tired to even think of it. "What is going on?" Kodos yelled, running in the room.

“Oh, Jimmy has that damn hanahaki disease. Who is it? That first officer that you never leave?”

Jim glared towards the voice, but he didn’t give the satisfaction that he  _ might  _ be right. Jim didn’t want to think about what could be going on with Spock. He just kept a defiant glare towards the man that had taken him. A hand came and held his face carefully, making his stomach turn. “It’s a shame that he won’t be able to see the person that you are,” Kodos muttered, his lips at the shell of Jim’s ear.

“Get away from me.”

“Oh? You can’t even see me. How can you expect me to be scared of you? You’re not worthy of my fear.”

Jim shivered at the thought before he heard clanging. A curse was said in his ear before he felt something cut into him. It hurt like hell, but he couldn’t find the strength within him to scream out. “They won’t get you alive,” the man hissed.

Jim slumped forward barely registering the phasers being shot into the room or Spock’s voice over him.

Jim woke up on a biobed in the medbay of the  _ Enterprise _ . He groaned as he tried to make out what was in his arm that was so uncomfortable, but his vision was too blurry. “Good, you’re awake. Now, what the hell were you thinking throwing yourself into that fucking situation like  _ that _ ?” Bones voice said above him.

Jim moved his head as if it were full of rocks and made out the blurry shape of his friend running a tricorder over him. “Wha happen?” He asked with a slurred voice.

“They put one of your allergens in your system. You have multiple injuries on your body. Dammit! You were gone for almost two days! Why the hell would you do that?”

Jim squinted at Bones before he started to cough. The bed he was in was leaned up so he could get whatever was in his lungs out. He felt lightheaded as a hypo was stuck in his neck before a bloom landed in his lap. He settled down and just looked blankly at the ceiling of the medbay. “I guess the stuff they filled you with caused this to come faster. Dammit! You shouldn’t have gone,” Bones said in a gruff, his accent coming out strongly.

“Had to...ship danger.”

Jim heard the door to the room swish open before he fell back asleep. When he woke up again, he felt a presence watching over him. He squirmed a little in the bed before looking towards the figure. They were a blur, but he could make out the blue and black. “Spock?” He rasped out, a small smile coming to his face.

“Captain, you should not speak. You are still healing from the extensive injuries that those people did to you.”

“You saved me,” he whispered before he started to cough.

“Captain!”

Jim heard the urgency in Spock’s voice, but that made it all the more harder to process the lodge in his throat. He heard Bones ordering Spock out of the room before a hypo was stuck in his neck. He felt the bloom plop into his lap. He glared at it even if it was a blur of colors. “Jim, do you have any idea who it could be?” Bones asked with a hint of sadness in his voice.

Jim shook his head as he wrapped his arms around himself.

“We need to know more about this.”

Jim just nodded numbly.


	6. 6: Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little while later Jim comes to some startling realizations to his disease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wont be able to do an update soon, so instead of a late update, I wanted to update for you guys.

Jim was allowed to leave the medbay if he promised not to go overboard on things. Jim was sitting on his bed in his quarters reading a book when his door opened without any warning. He set his book down open faced and looked up to see Spock standing in the doorway. “Hey. Do you need something?” He asked.

“Are you well?”

Jim smiled softly at the blunt way Spock put it. “Yeah, I’m fine. Wanna play chess?” He offered.

“I would not be opposed.”

Jim smiled as he went to set the board up. Spock was at his side in an instant, trying to get the stuff from him. Jim narrowed his eyes and shook his head, which Spock only looked at him more defiantly as he tried to help. “Captain, you are still recovering,” he said.

“It’s Jim. I’m not on duty, so I’m not ‘Captain’ right now. However, you can go replicate us some tea if you wanna help so badly.”

Spock narrowed his eyes, but he did go to the replicator to fix tea. Jim sat at the table and rubbed his face, skewing his glasses. Spock handed him a glass of tea before sitting down across from Jim. As Jim took a sip, he smiled at the warmth and taste. “What kinda tea is this?” He asked.

“It is Carovyle Tea.”

Jim smiled and looked at the board for a moment as he thought of his moves. Spock regarded him for a moment while they played their game in amiable silence. “Spock, I think I should probably tell you what’s up with me,” Jim said when Spock called ‘check’ finally.

Spock met his eyes and merely raised a brow, causing Jim to sigh and shake his head. He finished his tea and looked at him for a moment before glaring at the board. “You do not have to tell me what is wrong with you if it makes you uncomfortable,” Spock said calmly.

“That’s the thing. I don’t know how to say it. I mean, you’re my emergency medical contact, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell you that I have this rare ass disease.”

“What disease is it?”

Jim sighed and met Spock’s eyes. “Ok, five years ago in your class I had what I thought was an allergy attack because I was born with the shittiest immune system. However, it was whatever this is. It flares up in my allergy season, and my ass is so  _ lucky _ that I have one season that’s not a flare up for allergies, which is winter.

“Anyways, it’s been going on for five years, now. It’s this rare disease that has only been recorded to affect humans with a one in six thousand chances of getting it. I happen to have an even rare form that’s chronic,” he muttered.

Spock looked at him for a moment before taking his queen. The checkmate was understood while Jim frowned at the board. “Does this disease have a name?” Spock asked.

Jim looked at him as he took in a shaky breath. “Yeah, it’s called Hanahaki. Look, I know you and your need to look things up, so Imma give you a rough run-down of what it is. I am apparently in love with someone, and it’s unrequited. God this is so embarrassing. Anyways, because of the unrequited love, I am coughing up flowers during my peak allergy seasons. Don’t ask me who it is because I don’t even know who I apparently love,” he said, moving his eyes away from Spock.

“You are in love, yet you have no idea who it is?”

“Yeah. Kinda fucked up ain’t it? Anyways, since you’re my best friend and my emergency contact, I thought you should know.”

Spock regarded him as he set the board up before nodding. “Have you tried to figure out who it is you love?” He asked.

“I thought about it, but at the same time, not knowing is kinda peaceful in a morbid way. I wasn’t supposed to make it this far in my life, so I mean, I don’t mind if I die because my affections aren’t returned.”

Spock looked at him as he moved simply. Jim regarded the board for a moment before mirroring the move. Spock nearly rolled his eyes. “How do you know that their affections are not returned?” He asked after a beat.

“That’s the thing with this disease. It destroys you from unrequited love. As I have the chronic type, I can live with it unless I just can’t pass something out of my throat and asphyxiate. I’ve survived five years already. Telling the person, and them admitting that they really do not love me could actually do me in.”

“It is a no-win scenario for you.”

Jim smiled wryly as he took a pawn from Spock. “Yep, a no-win scenario. I am going to seemingly have this my entire life until I die,” he said.

“You died before, three years ago. It did not leave you then?”

Jim shook his head and sighed. “It’s weird. There’s not much about this that’s out there to look at. I’m going through this blindly. It fucking sucks,” he muttered.

Spock hummed as he took a rook. Jim muttered a cuss, but otherwise, they continued playing in the quiet. When the game ended with Jim winning, Spock looked at him, regarding his narrow frame. “When was the last time you ate?” He asked.

“Uhm, dunno. I’m not hungry, though.”

“Jim, you need to eat.”

“Spock, I’m not hungry.”

Spock crossed his arms and raised a single eyebrow at him. Jim groaned and was about to say something when he started to cough. He ran to their shared bathroom and leaned over the toilet. Spock was in there quickly and rubbed circles on his back while he coughed petals out. Spock stood to get a hypo when Jim reached and pulled him back. “Please, stay,” he whispered.

“If you have a reaction, I should be prepared.”

Jim looked in the toilet bowl before looking back at Spock. “It’s sunflowers. I’m not allergic to them. I used to eat sunflower seeds all the time,” he muttered, leaning back against the sink.

“You are tired.”

“Yeah. I mean it hurts to cough out that much stuff and what it is.”

Spock nodded before picking Jim up. Jim immediately yelped and glared at Spock as he took him to his bed. “Rest,” he ordered.

“Then stay with me. I don’t wanna be alone.”

Spock nodded as he sat on the floor next to Jim’s bed. Jim smiled softly as he took his glasses off and laid them nearby. Spock grabbed the book that Jim had been reading and hummed. “This is  _ Sherlock Holmes _ . Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is a relative of mine on my mother’s side,” he said.

“That’s cool. How was your mother?”

“She was an English teacher. When it came out that I had dyslexia, she helped me get better with learning.”

Jim pressed a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “You have dyslexia? I never would have thought that,” he said.

“I was four when we discovered it, so she helped significantly.”

Jim smiled, but Spock did not see it. “She sounds amazing. I wish I could have met her,” he whispered.

“She would have liked you.”

Jim removed his hand and curled up on the bed. “Spock, thanks for being my friend,” he whispered.

“I do not see why you are thanking me.”

Jim didn’t say anything. Spock turned to look at him and saw a soft smile resting easily on Jim’s face. Spock nodded and turned back around, but he felt a tugging at his arm. He peaked down to see why he was being tugged only to see blue eyes looking up at him. “Don’t leave,” Jim whispered.

“I was not planning on it. Are you well?”

Jim hummed and just looked at him for a moment before nodding his head slightly. “Jus don’t wanna be alone,” he slurred as sleep overcame him.

Spock placed a hand over his forehead and sighed. Jim moved into the touch and sighed in his sleep. Spock pulled his hand back before he went to read Jim’s thoughts against his consent. He settled on the floor by Jim’s bed, not finding it within himself to leave. “You deserve everything,” he muttered.

Jim woke up a few hours later to see Spock in the room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He stretched and smiled at him. “You stayed?” He asked.

“Yes, I promised to not leave you.”

Jim just looked at him for a moment before running to the bathroom and throwing up. Spock was beside him in an instant. “Jim? Are you alright?” He asked, and Jim could hear the panic in his voice. He wheezed for a little bit before nodding.

“I’m fine. I kinda wanna know who this is.”

Spock looked at the flowers and blinked. “Those are Terran Sunflowers,” he said.

“Yeah. I actually need to go see Bones. Wanna come, or do you have work to do?”

“I do need to attend to some labs. I will see Doctor McCoy afterwards.”

Jim smiled and stood on shaky legs. “Thanks,” he muttered.

Jim made his way down to medbay and looked at Bones. Bones nodded and pointed towards his office before turning back to the patient he was dealing with. Jim smiled as he went and slumped in a chair at his desk, grabbing the hidden stash of whiskey he had hidden away. Two glasses later, Bones was entering the room and glared at Jim. “Mind telling me what the hell you’re doing drinking my good whiskey?” He nearly hollered.

“I think I know who it is.”

Bones sat down, grabbing a glass to fill with the beverage. Jim sighed and put the glass up then looked out in medbay. “You were right. It is Spock. I can’t tell him. He’s with Uhura and all that jazz. Plus, I’m his commanding officer; it’s just wrong,” he muttered.

“Damn I kinda hoped to be wrong about that.”

“Well, you can rub it in my face that you were right.”

“Jim, you need to do something about this.”

Jim sighed and met Bones’s eyes. He saw the worry in them even if the doctor wouldn’t admit to it. “Bones, what do you suggest? Risk losing my memories of him? Nearly all of them tie to me falling for him even if I didn’t realize it. I can’t find it within myself to admit that I love him because I wouldn’t be in this situation. I can live with it,” he said, fear dripping off of every word.

“Jim, are you sure that Spock doesn’t love you?”

“He’s with Uhura, so I doubt that he would be with her when he has feelings for someone else.”

Bones nodded as he finished his drink off. He leaned over and clapped a hand on Jim’s shoulder. “I hope it gets better for you,” he muttered.

“Thanks Bones. Oh! Apparently his favorite flowers are sunflowers right now.”

Jim saw the eye roll that Bones had, causing him to laugh. A single flower petal came out, but he hid it from Bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tea I totally made up, and also, it is totally on the list from years ago.


	7. 7: First Aid Kit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Away missions go awry leading to a panicky captain and a frustrated yet loving doctor.

Jim was gripping the railing on the bridge like his life depended on it. It was an away mission on a Class-M planet, and since Bones had not given him the okay to go down, Spock went in his stead. They had lost all communications with the away team, and he was worried.

“Jim, you need to get a hold of yourself. Spock is smart.”

Jim turned and glared at Bones. “Bones, I can’t exactly when my FO is down there possibly dying,” he said, unspoken words understood by Bones.

“Jim, it’s not doing him any good with you running yourself down to the bone. You need to rest and eat.”

Jim crossed his arms and tapped his foot while he stared at the view screen. “Bones, I can’t without knowing if he- _they_ are safe,” he whispered.

Bones placed a hand on his shoulder and nodded. Then a beeping came to their ears. Jim jerked to the sound and saw in his peripheral Uhura comming them. “Spock to _Enterprise_ ,” Spock’s voice called out, causing Jim to smile albeit weakly.

“Spock! We’re here! Are you okay?”

“There are injuries. Can we be transported onto the ship?”

“Yeah! Lemme hail Scotty! Kirk out!”

Jim ran down to the transporter room and nodded at Scotty. Bones was behind him as quickly as he could. “Bones, get the medbay ready in case the injuries are bad,” Jim said, looking at his friend.

“Are you going to freak if Spock is one of the injured?”

Jim didn’t answer. He, instead, looked at the transporter pad as they were energizing onto the ship. Spock nearly collapsed before Jim could run and help him stand. They looked at one another for a moment before Spock lost all consciousness. “Bones! Help him!” Jim said in a strained voice.

“Dammit!”

Jim helped get him to the medbay with Bones. He watched as Spock was put in an isolation room. “Will he be okay?” He asked softly to Bones.

“ _Jim_ , I am speaking to you as a friend. You need to rest. That’s all you can do to help him at this moment.”

“Bones! You didn’t answer my question.”

“He will be. He’s doing that weirdass Vulcan healing trance. He will be fine when he comes back.”

Jim looked at him on the biobed before nodding. “Can I stay in here with him?” He asked softly as if he would fall apart if not given the chance to stay with Spock.

“Sure. Don’t do anything stupid, though.”

“Me? Do stupid stuff? Never.”

Bones rolled his eyes, leaving Jim alone with Spock. He leaned against the biobed and smiled at the resting face. “What would I do without you?” He found himself asking.

Hours had passed, Jim had fallen asleep on the floor with his hand loosely holding onto the bed sheet. He blinked when he felt movement on the bed. Flurries of people came in, pushing him away as they looked at Spock. He stared as one of the doctors that he had seen from time to time get into arguments with Bones came up and slapped Spock. Jim winced, but he took in a sharp breath when he saw Spock meet his eyes. “Jim?” Spock said, softly.

_That_ was the turning point because all of a sudden Jim was running out of the room to Bones’s office to throw up flowers in his trash bin. He glared at the pile of flowers with drops of his blood on them before hearing the door open. He felt a hand on his back rubbing circles, and against all betterment in his mind, he leaned into the touch. “Are you alright?” The person asked, and Jim laughed a little to himself at his luck.

“I will be. What about you? You nearly died on me. I don’t know what I’ll do without you telling me I’m being illogical.”

Spock’s hand faltered slightly on his back before he continued again. “Something is bothering you. You are hiding it from me,” he stated.

“Yeah, well, you did just come back from nearly dying.”

“I am fine now.”

Jim chanced looking at Spock before laughing a little. “It’s nothing you can help with. Trust me,” he whispered.

Spock’s eyebrows knitted together, and he opened his mouth to say something when Bones ran into the office and looked at the two with an exasperated look. He pointed at Spock and ushered him out before kneeling beside Jim. Jim watched as Spock looked at him with a hurt look before walking to the doctor that he had seen earlier.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

“Dammit. Do you want to die? Why don’t you just do the-”

“Bones! I am not! It would be cruel to him!”

Bones looked at him for a moment and sagged and shook his head. “This is not good for you. For either of you,” he muttered.

“I...I don’t want to do anything that would ruin our friendship.”

“Pretty sure you dying might put a damper on things.”

Jim glared at him before he started coughing some more flowers out. “Bones, we both know my luck. I would lose all of my memories of him. Granted some aren’t great, but they’re all put to where we are today,” he whispered as if he was scared of the truth that he was saying.

“Jim, you might not. We don’t know.”

“Bones, I’m not putting any faith that I will remember him.”

Bones leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Think about it. Will you?” He said as if this pained him to see his friend in this type of pain.

“Bones, I can’t. I just can’t do that to him.”

Bones let go of Jim and just sighed. Jim stood shakily and nodded at Bones as he made his way out of the medbay. He didn’t make his way to his room instead he went to an observation deck. He stared out at the vast array of stars as he sat on the floor instead of on the bench. He took a shaky breath, feeling the uncomfortable pressing in his chest from the flowers growing. _I won’t make it to my next birthday._

Footsteps came towards him, and Jim paid them no mind until there was someone standing close to him. He looked up at the person and took a sharp breath. “Spock, shouldn’t you be in medbay?” He asked.

“Something is bothering you. Do you wish to speak about it?”

Jim regarded Spock for a moment before looking back out at the vastness of space. “I already spoke with Bones about it. He’s mad at me, but that’s nothing new there. It’s nothing you can help with anyways,” he muttered.

“Would you be willing for a game of chess?”

Jim smiled softly as he looked at Spock, who held out a hand for him. He took the hand and nodded. “I would gladly like to, Mister Spock,” he replied.


	8. 8: A Mess in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has a run-in with a prisoner on the ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, lowkey when I was writing this I was focused on the two idiots being y'know idiots and falling for one another where I kinda forgot about Kodos even though he has a sub-plot point. This was me tying that in.
> 
> ⚠️WARNING⚠️  
> There is a brief talk of Tarsus IV and what happens. It is not too terribly graphic, but it does give you the basics of why Jim is messed up. Also, there is some flashbacks which as I have done with much of this: they are based on my own experiences.

Jim had stopped coughing up flowers a few days later. He had forgotten that in the brig that they had detained Kodos until they reached the next starbase. When he walked down there in passing with Cupcake, he dropped the apple he was eating and stared at Lenorre and Kodos for a moment, getting a grip on reality before reverting to his small, frail, helpless, and scared teen days.

“Kirk! Nice of you to visit your old friend!”

Jim watched as Cupcake tensed up, reaching for his phaser even though the prison was secured in the brig. Jim reached up and placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. “I was just passing through. It’s nothing of consequence,” he said.

“You sure? I don’t know how you’re still alive after that severe attack that happened to you on my ship.”

Jim clenched his fists and glared at Kodos. He jerked his head, signalling for Cupcake to leave. He didn’t miss the transmission for Spock to head down to the brig. He fixed his eyes on the man in front of him, ignoring the giggles from Lenorre at the moment. “That business is strictly personal,” he hissed.

“Ever find out who you are in love with?”

“No,” he hissed just to see Spock walk in the brig with a calm looking face, but Jim saw the worry in his eyes.

“You have.”

“Captain? I was called down here. What is the matter?”

“How long until we reach the Starbase?”

“Seventeen hours. Why?”

Jim fixed his eyes on Kodos as he gave a creepy smile towards him. “I want  _ them _ of my ship,” he growled.

“Very well, Captain.”

Jim saw Spock leave from the corner of his eyes. He stormed to the glass and hit it once. “He is not to know anything about my past or my feelings. That is personal. You were not to be discovered. The only reason I haven’t killed you is because I have chosen to follow the Starfleet protocol to allow you to go through a speedy and just trial,” he hissed.

“Pity. It seems he likes you.”

Jim hit the glass while Lenorre started to laugh similar to the twentieth century depictions of witches cackling. He glared at her, but she just looked at him for a moment before cackling even louder, doubling over. Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and left the brig. He ran into the solid form of Spock, and before he could fall on his behind, hands grabbed either of his arms and set him up straight. Jim looked at brown eyes and had his mouth parted for a moment at a loss of words.

“You should watch where you are going, Captain,” Spock said with an uptick of his lips.

“Yeah, I should.”

Jim stepped around Spock and made his way to medbay. He looked at Bones and pointed to his office. Bones rolled his eyes as he talked with an engineering officer about their physical. Jim promptly sat on the desk as he thought about the course of events and shook his head. When Bones walked in, he immediately hit him with his hands. “What are you doing? Were you raised in a barn?” He asked with a deep southern drawl.

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Typical. What’s got your panties in a bunch this time? I have a feeling it’s about the hobgoblin.”

Jim leveled a look at him before sighing. “I forgot that Kodos was on the ship. I saw him in the brig which prompted in me speaking to him. I...I was on Tarsus IV; I survived and wasn’t supposed to. Look, he figured out who I love and is kinda holding that over my head,” he said.

“Wait, you were on that damn planet?”

“Yep. Look, I was handed a shitty hand of cards. I’ve been bluffing my way through life in all honesty.”

“Kid, maybe you just don’t know how to play with the cards you have, and they could be the winning hand.”

Jim regarded him for a moment before laughing. “Bones, you have my list of health problems. I was premature. I mean, look at me now. I’m fucking gonna die because I’m in love with my first officer!” He said.

“Or you won’t. Stop being such an infant.”

Jim sighed and kicked his legs for a moment before shaking his head. “I don’t know what the hell imma do. I just, I just want him to be happy, y’know,” he said, stretching his arms above his head.

“Yeah, I get that. You forget that I was married before Starfleet.”

Jim looked at him for a moment before sighing and smiling at him. “Yeah, it has slipped my mind. I dunno how,” he said.

“What are you going to do?”

“Avoid Kodos? I don’t know. I’m just going to take it one step at a time.”

Bones nodded while Jim jumped off the desk. He walked through the masses of people, smiling at everyone as he walked to the mess hall. He saw the senior crew joking, and Uhura smiling at Spock while he just looked as aloof as always. Jim sighed and walked out of the room and made his way to his room. He took the long way, though, which ended him going through the brig. He seized up when he heard Lenorre’s laughter.

“Jimmy! Glad to see you so soon!”

“I didn’t mean to come in here.”

“Shouldn’t you be running this beautiful ship?”

Jim glared at the man before looking to Lenorre. “What’s with your daughter?” He asked.

Kodos stepped up to the glass and smiled. “You’ll see soon enough,” he muttered, causing Jim to jerk and think of the replicators messing up.

“What did  _ you _ do?”

Kodos said nothing. Jim ran out of the brig towards engineering. He was running down the stairs when the ship lurched out of warp. Jim fell, bending over one of the railings and saw the fear in Scotty’s eyes. “Scotty! What’s going on?” He yelled.

“I donnae sir!”

Jim made his way to Scotty, a hand over his ribs that were surely bruised at the moment. “Do you have a way to figure out what’s going on?” He asked.

“That’s what I’m doin’ Cap’n. It’s not pretty.”

“Lay it on me.”

“Someone got into our computer systems and took out the replicators. They did a pretty big number on our warp core. I donnae how long this’ll take sir.”

Jim nodded, setting his jaw as he made his way to the brig. He pulled his communicator out and commed Spock. “Kirk to Spock. I need to see you in the brig ASAP,” he said, not even bothering to hear Spock’s response.

As he made his way there, his ribs hurting with every sprint he made, he saw crewmembers making their way to stations in case of emergencies like this. He smiled at the memory of doing all those simulations that Spock thought to be “illogical”. When he did make it to the brig, Spock was standing there, poised as ever with the Vulcan equivalent of a death glare on the prisoner. “Captain? You called me in here?” He said.

“Yeah, our prisoners happen to have an idea of what’s going on. Oh, you’re also captain for now until he’s off the ship. Long story that I’m not in the mood of telling right now.”

“Captain?” Spock asked, a brow raised in confusion.

Jim reached out and smiled a bit bitterly. “We need to figure out what’s going on with the ship,” he said, squeezing Spock’s biceps.

Lenorre was laughing, and Jim saw Spock grimace at her volume. Jim crossed his arms and glared at Kodos. “What did you do to my ship?” He asked as good as he could without the anxiety peaking through.

“I have a feeling you already know. Did you not go speak with your engineering department?”

“Cut the crap Kodos. What did you do? We can’t move, and our replicators are fried.”

Jim felt Spock lightly touch his shoulder. Jim’s eyes flicked to his hand for a second before he caught the villainous smile from Kodos. “ _ I _ did nothing. Lenorre did the handiwork. However, you should know that you are the only survivor from Tarsus IV left from my list,” Kodos said.

Fear washed over Jim as the words registered in his mind. He walked behind the security desk, realizing no one was there and threw up in the receptacle. Spock was beside him in an instant. Jim shrugged Spock’s hand away from his back as the words replayed in his mind. “Jim, you need to get out of here,” Spock muttered, barely over the screams that were being played on repeat in Jim’s mind.

Jim looked up at Spock and nodded. Kodos gave them a smile while Lenorre did the childish heart thing at them. Jim just felt useless at that moment. As they reached the quarters, Spock helped Jim to his bed. It was quiet in the room minus their breathing. “Spock, you don’t have to do this, y’know?” Jim found himself saying.

“You are my friend.”

Jim’s heart clenched as he thought about that. “You heard what Kodos said, huh?” He asked.

“You do not have to speak of it if you do not want to.”

Jim shook his head. “I didn’t want anyone to know about it. It’s under classified information in Starfleet. I’m classified, Spock. I have a shit ton of mental health problems, and they kinda stemmed from the fact my mom couldn’t stand looking at me because I reminded her of her dead husband then my step-dad was a fucking abusive asshole while my brother left as soon as he could because of said abusive asshole,” he started, laughing at his childhood.

“I was twelve and had enough of dealing with Frank’s bullshit. I stole my dad’s antique car that Frank had saddled as his own. I drove it off of a cliff at the Riverside quarry. I nearly let myself fall, but I didn’t. Something made me crawl up the cliff and look at the officer and be a little shit to him. When I got home, Frank had packed me a suitcase and told me that he was sending me to a farming planet. How much do you know about Tarsus IV, anyways?”

Spock regarded him as he sat on the floor with crossed legs. “On Vulcan, we were told that the self-appointed governor decided during the food shortage caused by a fungus to kill half the population,” he said.

Jim smiled at the textbook way he said. “Yeah, I was there. I was on the list to be killed. I’m not exactly healthy, and I’ve never been healthy for my entire life. I mean, you’ve seen my allergy list. That alone was reason enough for Kodos to want to kill me. Kodos wanted a superior race on Tarsus IV along with ‘helping’ the people. I mean, very totalitarian especially for the twenty-third century, but people were for it.

“I was a scrawny kid that turned thirteen when I was there. It was fine for the first six months. I had some decent education, and I understood how to farm because I grew up on a farm. However, after six months, a fungus got into the crops. It was fucking hell. Pandemonium broke out while we tried to deal with lack of food. Education was cut out for kids, so they could help in the fields. Then, Kodos appointed himself as governor when it looked like shit was not gonna get better. He gave us the barebone basics of his plan on killing half the people without telling us half the population was gonna fucking die.”

Spock reached out and touched Jim’s hand. Jim looked at him for a moment as he took a shaky breath. He felt a little thrum of electricity between the touch. “You are brave for surviving that experience,” he said.

Jim laughed a humorless laugh. “I did things I’m not even proud of. I protected eight others that are now dead. I couldn’t save them in the end. Now the replicators are fucking gone. I can’t handle being in captaincy. I hope you understand,” he said softly.

“I do.”

Jim smiled at him and curled on his bed, rubbing his hand along Spock’s arm. “Now, you know the basics of what’s wrong with me,” he muttered.

“Jim, it is reasonable to have an emotional response to such a traumatic event.”

“Says the Vulcan.”

Spock grabbed Jim’s hand, causing Jim’s breathing to hitch and look at Spock with wide eyes. “Vulcans feel emotion more strongly than Humans; because of my heritage, it is harder for me to keep it under wraps without more meditation,” he told him as if Jim tried anything that he would fight him as he did after Vulcan’s demise.

“Sorry. It was a poor taste joke.”

Spock let go of Jim’s hand. Jim tried to ignore the feeling from where Spock held him with such intensity. He looked at Spock’s side profile and smiled to himself. “Spock, I hope you know that I don’t care that you’re Vulcan or Human and all. You’re my best friend, you and Bones,” he muttered.

Spock turned and met his eyes. “You just-” He started, but Jim held his hand up.

“I made a joke in poor taste because you always act like emotions are illogical and useless. While they are illogical, I don’t think that they’re useless. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my spiteful energy. I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world.”

Spock regarded him for a moment. “That is the first time someone has said that to me since I declined going to the Vulcan Science Academy,” he muttered.

“Uhura hasn’t?”

“She wished that I would show more emotions when we were in our relationship. It has since terminated because it became unbearable.”

Jim looked at him for a moment before nodding. “Who was the other person then?” He asked.

“My mother.”

Jim smiled softly at him. “Your mother sounds amazing,” he whispered.

“She was a good woman.”

“Patient, too, I bet with living on Vulcan and being Human.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before nodding. “That she was, too,” he said.

Jim laughed a little and looked over at the chess board. “Want to play a round?” He asked.

Spock nodded. Jim noticed a light green tint on his cheeks, but he kept that to himself for the moment.


	9. 9: Enlightenments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is happening to the ship, and Jim has to fight some demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting hit by a hurricane, so I'm posting off schedule in case I don't get any internet access on Friday.
> 
> ⚠️Warning⚠️  
> You learn more of what happened on Tarsus IV, and why Jim is having some issues as any would with this. It is not that graphic but it does explicitly say multiple things that happened including some starvation.

The  _ Enterprise  _ was moving within six hours, but the regenerators were still down. Jim saw everyone’s panic as he walked down the corridors, so he put himself in self-isolation as they continued on to the starbase. He didn’t notice when his door opened to show Bones glaring at him. “Why are you avoiding everything? I know you were raised on corn, but dammit, I didn’t know it was this bad!” He yelled.

“I’m emotionally compromised. I can’t handle the ship at the moment. I do not want to go to the medbay, so I’m sticking to my room.”

“What do you mean?”

“Kodos had me to be killed on Tarsus IV, Bones. I told you that. I, just, I can’t handle with people panicking like that place while there’s not enough food. I’m freaking out up in my mind, so Spock has been keeping me company when he’s got the free time with some chess.”

“You sure that’s a smart idea with you loving him?”

“When have you known me to do the smart thing?”

Bones sighed, shaking his head. “I hope you know what you are getting yourself into, Jim,” he muttered.

“I know.”

Bones looked around the room before leaving the room. Jim sighed as he looked at the book he was reading before Bones had bursted into his room. However, he was on edge. He noticed Spock entering his room. He smiled lightly at the stiff stance that Spock had as he stood in the room. “Jim,” Spock said as he looked at the chess board that was already set up.

“Spock, ready for me to wipe you with a game of chess?”

Spock raised a brow at the phrase as Jim stood from the bed and fiddled with the thermostat, raising the temperature a few degrees for Spock’s comfort. Spock sighed a little, sitting on the side with white. Jim settled down and just looked at the acting captain as he held a pawn in between his fingers. “You have won less games than I have. It is foolish to assume to say that you will win this game,” Spock said.

“I have a hunch that I will.”

“You do? Have you been studying?”

“You can say that,” Jim said with a smile on his lips as he moved a pawn, mirroring Spock’s move.

“Very well.”

They played in amicable silence as they picked off pieces. Then Jim got tired of that. He looked at Spock as his hands went over his bishop, debating on a move before Jim spoke. “So, is there anything going on in the labs?” He asked.

“The science officers are looking into specimens. Why are you asking? You are on a medical leave.”

“I have never been to keen on science. It was not my biggest strong suit, but I thought I should know what’s going on in the labs.”

“Well, the flower from Vulcan has bloomed. Do you happen to know where it was obtained from?”

Jim squirmed as he looked at the board. He noted that he could check Spock in three moves. He sighed and made a move to get him. “No comment on that,” he said.

“You do. You are being evasive.”

“So what if I did?”

“It was my mother’s favorite flower, and it coincidentally became mine after a while.”

Jim looked at Spock for a moment before shaking his head.  _ Is he telling me that he  _ knows _??? That can’t be. _ Jim huffed as he looked at the board for a moment then heard a beeping from his communicator left lying on his bed. He gave an apologetic look to Spock as he stood to get it. As he grabbed it, he felt Spock’s eyes on his back. He tried not to think about what Spock had just said as he walked to their shared bathroom and opened the comm. “Kirk here,” he answered.

“Aye. We have a wee problem cap’n.”

“Scotty, what is it.”

“Uhm, well sir. The code that the person put in here did a mighty number.”

“Got it. Kirk out.”

Kirk set the communicator down by the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He took in his blue eyes and the fact that his face was a little paler than normal. He shook his head and looked out to Spock. “Spock, we have to go to the brig,” he said.

“You are-”

“It’s about the people. I need to talk to them. My mental health is not as important as the people on this ship.”

“Jim, I cannot allow you-”

“Spock! You  _ and _ Bones both can go on a rant about that later, but this is about the health of everyone on board of the  _ Enterprise _ . I don’t really give two flying shits about _ my _ health, but everyone else on here is  _ my _ responsibility!”

Spock looked at him as if he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. He nodded and followed Jim to the brig. The tensions were thick between the two as they made it to the brig. Jim nodded for the person at the security station to leave. He watched the girl scurry off before glaring at the two in the glass chamber. “We need to speak with Lenorre,” he said to Kodos.

“Oh, now you want to speak with us?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“You escaped. You ruined my plan.”

“Your plan was mass genocide for anyone that didn’t fit into your perfect world!”

Kodos looked him up and down. “You were a fine little pet until you decided to be a little rebellious, a brat,” he murmured.

Jim flinched at that. He saw Spock take towards the glass. “What did your daughter do to the  _ Enterprise _ ?” He said in a threatening tone.

“Is it not against regulations to threaten a prisoner aboard a ship?”

Jim looked between Spock and Kodos. “The prisoner should not make any aboard feel uncomfortable such as you are doing right now,” Spock said in such a cold detached voice that made a shiver go down Jim’s spine.

Kodos looked between the two and smirked. “Jimmy, have you told him what all you did to survive on that planet? Maybe he hacked into your files. Do you know how he survived with those little kids?” Kodos teased, a wicked grin appearing similar to the cheshire cat’s.

Jim felt ice run through his veins. He stared blankly ahead. The voices were blurring together as screams were echoing in his head. Everything blurred as his vision darkened, but he saw worried brown eyes before he fell forward into strong arms.

Spock looked at Jim as he held him to his body before looking back at the man behind the glass jail cell. “What did you do to him?” He hissed.

“Oh, he did it all to himself.”

Spock picked Jim up in his arms, carrying him as he walked to the cell. “I must know what is going on with the ship,” he demanded in a tone that allowed no room for discussion.

“Very well,” he said, motioning to his side for the girl that was curled on her side with a lazy smile playing on her lips.

The girl looked at Jim in Spock’s arms then up at Spock’s face. “Oh, he finally broke down. Goody! So, whatcha wanna know? What about his past do you want that he won’t tell you that is so disgustingly juicy do you want us to tell you?” She asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet and her hands clasped in front of her chest and a pleading face.

“I do not want to know any of that. I want to know what you did to the computer systems to make the replicators stop working.”

She stopped moving and looked at him with an exaggerated pout. She then turned to her father and shook her head. “You were right. Vulcans are no fun. He’s all logic and no play. Bet he thinks Shakespeare didn’t think about dicks as he was writing all his fancy shmancy plays or his sonnets,” she said, putting up an all together over the top fake British accent.

Spock rose a brow as Jim groaned a little in his arms. A name fell out of his lips, but Spock barely understood it as it became garbled towards the end. The girl turned back to him and jumped out and smiled brightly at him. “Ok! If I tell you what I did, you have to agree to listen to one story that my dad wants about Jimmy!” She said with a glint in her eyes.

Spock’s eyes went from her to her father. “Very well,” he agreed reluctantly.

She nodded, jumping. An hour passed of her telling in vibrant detail of what she did. It could have been twenty minutes without her unnecessary amount of words and fluff, but she was excessive in her words and derailed randomly. When it ended, Spock wanted to leave immediately, but Kodos cleared his throat and looked at him.

Spock looked at him with wide eyes before the deal came rushing to his mind at full force. “You made a deal with Lenorre, remember?” He said.

“I have an eidetic memory. However, I have no reason why you would want to tell me anything about my captain.”

“You wouldn’t want to call him that after my little memory. Did he tell you that he had things that he  _ had _ to do?”

“Yes, he said he was not proud of them, though.”

“That’s the thing. You always have a choice.”

Spock narrowed his eyes at the man before looking down at Jim’s face. “I do not believe that is so in all situations,” he muttered. He could sense some distress from the contact of Jim’s skin.

“You’re Vulcan. You lost your planet. Why aren’t you on the colony tryna repopulate the endangered species?”

Spock focused his eyes on Jim instead of getting angry at the former tyrannical self-appointed governor of a destroyed planet. “I am Vulcan, and I did lose my planet. However, it is in the betterment for myself to be here. That is nothing for you to know, though. Why do you want to speak with me?” He said as calmly as he could.

“Your  _ captain _ put himself out for me for food for him and the little brats that he allowed to live. He was shameless. I pitied him the first time and tossed him some food that I had. However, he came again, and he was battered from probably some guards. I didn’t take as much pity as the last time, but he didn’t back down.”

“You had intercourse with a minor? A thirteen year old?”

“He asked for it.”

Spock looked at Jim, moving a strand of hair from his face before looking up at the man that was grinning at him. “Why could you not just give him the food?” He asked.

“It was a famine, and he was fucked up. He was not meant to live this long.”

“He is thirty years old.”

Kodos smirked. “With hanahaki. Do you even know who it is, or did you even know he had it?” He said.

Spock looked at him with a death glare. “This conversation is over,” he said.

“It’s just started, though.”

Spock stood, carrying Jim towards his quarters. Once he entered, he looked at the bed and nodded. He turned the temperature down, but Jim shivered at the lack of the temperature. Spock frowned minutely, so he turned the temperature up a tiny bit before comming Doctor McCoy to the room.

When McCoy entered the room, he glared at Spock for a moment before he realized the worry that was clear on Spock’s face. “Dammit! What the hell happened?” He yelled as he ran to his side, scanning him with his tricorder.

“Jim made us both see Kodos. He passed out while we were speaking after Kodos said something.”

“Did you try to stop him.”

“Multiple times.”

“Great. This is fucking great!”

Spock looked at Jim for a moment before looking to Doctor McCoy. “I need to meditate. I may have a way to help him come back, though. I, also, can get our replicators back to working,” Spock said.

“That’s good. You should rest.”

“I would prefer to not leave him, though.”

McCoy smirked, shaking his head. “Of course you would. I won’t say anything about it,” he said, leaving out of the room.

Spock just watched him as he settled on the floor by the bed in a meditative pose.


	10. 10: Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some insight on what is going on with Jim with Spock there to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally bs'd this, but that's what fanfic writing is all about, right?
> 
> ⚠️Warning⚠️  
> I do get a little detailed with the trauma that Jim deals with, but I promise that I did not write it obscenely.

Jim blinked at the warmth he felt. He walked towards it blindly, blinking at the brightness he saw. He heard muted screams, and shivers went down his spine. “What is this place?” He found himself asking out loud in wonder.

“It is your subconscious.”

Jim whipped around and made eye contact with Spock. He felt unsure of everything at that moment. “Why are we _here_?” He asked cautiously.

“You passed out and would not wake up, so logically, I initiated a meld with you to see if I would be able to bring you out.”

“Ain’t that super dangerous and forbidden in Vulcan culture and all?”

Spock looked away. “I would take the risk to save you,” he muttered.

Jim laughed lightly and looked away from Spock and around the place. He sat cross-legged on the ground, taking in the dirt on his legs along with the scrapes. He smiled for a moment before sighing. “I did do shitty things when I was on Tarsus. I have no idea what Kodos told you, but I did. I regret them, but at the same time, I would still do them if it meant that those kids would get food or even more kids could. I saved just enough for me to get by and gave the rest to the others,” he muttered.

“He told me that you offered yourself.”

Jim looked at Spock for a moment before nodding. “I did. I was a _kid_. I saw it in old holovids, so I thought that was normal to do. Look, I...I shouldn’t be telling you this,” he muttered.

“What Kodos did to you is considered rape even if you _did_ consent.”

Jim gaped at Spock for a moment before shaking his head and looking at where the brightness was coming from. “What is that?” He asked suddenly.

“I do not know. I was wondering if you would know.”

“Bones would know more than me. He’s the doctor of the bunch.”

As they approached the brightness, the light had seemed to be in the form of a flower. Jim smiled lightly at it before looking to Spock, who was pondering the mechanics of how it worked. Jim shook his head at the way Spock looked before he stretched slightly. “It reminds me of _Beauty and the Beast_ . It’s an old Terran film. I should get you to watch it with me. It’s illogical and all, but I _bet_ you’d love it,” he said.

“Highly improbable. That is a rose that the light is taken the form of.”

“Huh, those are some of my favorite flowers.”

Spock looked at Jim for a moment before reaching for his hand. “Jim, you-”

Jim lurched forward and held onto Spock. “Why are you doing this for me?” He whispered.

Spock held Jim, sending calm reassurance to him. They stood there with Spock holding onto Jim as Jim hid his face in Spock’s neck. The sounds of screams were still coming from a distance, but Jim curled closer to Spock, seeking solace in his arms. “You deserve this,” Spock told him softly.

“No, I don’t. I’m a shitty captain with a shitty load of issues that shouldn’t even be manning a ship,” Jim said, pulling far enough away from Spock to look at him.

“I disagree.”

Jim laughed and looked towards where the screams were coming from. The area was dark and looked gloomy. “You disagreeing doesn’t mean that it’s true. I disagree with the rules for the Federation most of the time; it doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong,” he muttered.

“You have saved millions of lives.”

Jim took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes. “Yeah, I have. I also had my First Officer and best friend write me up when I saved his life,” he said softly.

Spock closed his eyes and nodded. “I admit I messed up. However, my life is not as important as others aboard the ship to be protected. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” he said calmly.

Jim turned quickly and glared at him. “Spock! Where the hell are you getting the fact that you are not as important as anyone else on this ship? Everyone is important on here!” Jim yelled, wanting to shake Spock.

“Something is bothering you, Jim.”

Jim crossed his arms and looked away from Spock, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He was _not_ dealing with this. A hand cupped his cheek, and Jim took a shuddering breath as he closed his eyes. A single tear escaped, and a thumb brushed it away. Jim gasped at the motion.

“Would you tell me what is going on?”

“How do we get out of this?”

“You are deflecting.”

Jim stood and walked away from Spock, rubbing his forearms as he tried to avoid his thoughts from straying to where they should not go. “Spock, I just need to get out there and help the crew. I’m not much help if I’m in whatever state I am. You ain’t either if you’re in my mind too,” he said, looking towards the dark area where screams were coming from.

“The former governor said something that made you react where you passed out. I believe that to get you out of your unconscious state; you need to face what it is that has made you react in such a state.”

Jim glared at the dark area before turning to look at Spock, who had stood with a worried look for Jim. That look did something that Jim did not want to think about _ever_ . “You were not supposed to know about Tarsus. _Ever_ . I barely told Bones. No one was supposed to know. I...I _fuck_ ,” he said.

“Jim, is this about Tarsus?”

Jim barely nodded. Spock made his way to Jim but stopped with a little less than a foot of space between them. “Jim, that does not change my opinion of you,” he whispered.

Jim looked at the dark area and sighed. “We might as well go. I just...I need to face it,” he whispered.

“I will be here, Jim, if you need me.”

Jim looked at Spock and nodded with a smile that did not reach his eyes. He sighed and took a big step towards the darkness and was engulfed by screams. Spock was by his side when Jim opened his eyes. Jim blinked a few times before shaking his head at the sight of a dirty, scrappy, and scrawny blond blue-eyed child. He took a deep breath before grabbing Spock’s wrist and following the child to the building that stood out.

“Spock, I have to warn you that you prolly won’t like what you see, so it won’t hurt my feelings if you leave the area,” Jim muttered.

“Jim, you talk a lot when you get nervous.”

Jim looked over to his younger self as Kodos grabbed his arm. Jim’s grip on Spock’s wrist got a little tighter. His younger self was shivering as Kodos had leaned down while a hand was caressing his cheek in a seemingly loving way. The disgust was adamant in the memory, though. “So, you want to get fucked so that you and those other little helpless twats can survive? Why should I? You aren’t even supposed to be alive _Kirk,_ ” Kodos said, pushing the young Jim down on his back.

Spock jumped a little as if he were going to fight the memory, but Jim shook his head. They looked on at the memory as Kodos leaned down, putting his weight nearly all on top of Jim’s frail younger body. “They deserve to live. I-I-I’ll do anything if you’ll let them live,” Jim stuttered out.

“Very well.”

Jim closed his eyes at the memory, letting go of Spock’s wrist. He felt the ghost of Kodos’s hands on his torso as the sounds of grunts echoed in his ear. He shook at the painful memory and jumped at the feeling of a cold hand at the junction of his shoulder and neck. “Jim, you are safe now,” Spock’s baritone voice said in his ear.

“How are you so sure?”

“I will not let anything like that happen to you again.”

Jim looked at Spock for a moment before throwing his arms around Spock’s neck. “You can’t promise that though,” he whispered.

Spock said nothing; he merely hummed in response. Jim pulled back to look at him, to say something, but in a blink of an eye, Spock was gone from his line of sight. He frowned for a moment, the words dying on his tongue.


	11. 11: Bad to Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim starts to piece stuff together about his feelings while Bones gets frustrated at him.

Jim opened his eyes to see Spock’s hands in his lap. “What...what exactly was that?” He whispered.

“It was a mind meld. I am sorry. I initiated that without your consent.”

Jim sighed and looked at Spock for a moment before shaking his head. “It’s fine. I mean, I didn’t mind _that_ much. Besides, it helped,” he said.

“It was a breach of your privacy.”

“ _Spock_ , you did what you had to. I trust you.”

Spock looked at Jim about to say something, but Jim shook his head. “You don’t get to fight me on this. This is my life that you are talking about. All that shit you saw in there is stuff that I’m glad it was you and not any other telepath,” Jim said, reaching out towards Spock who flinched slightly.

Jim slouched and sighed. “Jim, it was not my intention for any of that to happen,” Spock said.

“I get _that_.”

Bones came in before Jim could continue. Jim glared at him as he ran his tricorder over the two of them muttering in a thick southern accent. “Jim, how’re ya feeling?” He asked.

“Like killing a grouchy southern doctor.”

“Oh great. No worse than usual, huh?”

“Doctor, now is not the time for jokes,” Spock interjected.

Bones whipped around and looked over at Spock. “What about you? How’re you feeling?” He asked.

“Adequate.”

Jim sighed and flounced back on his bed. “Could ya leave us Bones? I have to talk First Officer things with y’know my First Officer,” Jim said.

“Can’t; you nearly died on me Jim. Why in the hell are you not looking out for your health? Don’t ya know that people care for you on this sardine can?”

Jim threw an arm over his eyes, willing the thoughts of being held by Spock away. “It’s hard to imagine that when you’ve lived a life like I have,” Jim whispered.

“Jim, you are cared for, though.”

An itching in the back of his throat like too many bottled up emotions made him run to the bathroom. He closed it behind him and slid into the shower before he started coughing. “It’s not time. It’s not fucking time,” he yelled as a flower petal came fluttering out with flecks of blood.

The door swung open for Spock to see Jim with a trickle of blood down his chin. “Doctor!” He yelled for Bones to run in with his tricorder at the ready.

“Jim! Dammit! Why didn’t you tell me you had another flare up?”

Jim looked at Bones as he sat him in the corner of the shower and shook his head. “It just happened,” he rasped out.

“Dammit, man! Spock! Help me get him up! I need him in Medbay stat!”

Jim shivered when Spock’s arms went around his body, picking him up with ease. He curled towards the heat slightly. He felt that the lack of blood would be a good reason since that has been known to make humans colder. He closed his eyes and just leaned against Spock’s chest, hearing the hum of the _Enterprise’s_ engine along with the growing of whatever plant was in his chest.

The clean all-knowing and all-too-familiar scent of the medbay hit Jim’s nose when the door’s swished open. He winced slightly at the bright light before he was taken to the isolation room seemingly dedicated to him. He was set in the bed gently by Spock before Bones rushed him out of the room. “What caused this or do you even know?” He asked, looking at him with a knowing look.

“I think Spock telling me that I’m cared about did it.”

Bones shook his head as he grabbed hypos and set them aside. “I’m gonna take x-rays. I sent Spock outside. Told him to go and work with engineering to help fix the replicator problem since he has an idea on how to deal with it. Promised to update him on your health. Damn Hobgoblin cares about you. Never thought I’d see the day where a Vulcan cared so openly about someone,” Bones muttered.

“It’s out of duty.”

“In a pig’s eye.”

Jim glared at Bones as he dimmed the lights and started to look at his lungs. Multiple pictures were taken. Bones muttered cusses as he pulled them up and set them aside. He shook his head and looked at Jim. “At this rate, you won’t make it to thirty-one. I _have_ to tell Spock that. He knows what the disease is, right?” He said.

“I figured as much.”

“Dammit Jim! I’m a doctor not a relationship therapist!”

“I’m not risking it! I know what you’re going to say! I’d rather die from acting like I didn’t know it was him than fucking telling him, and he feel like shit because he couldn’t save me because he didn’t love me in return! Just...just I can’t. It’s wrong, Bones.”

Bones crossed his arms and looked at Jim. He sighed. “Jim, he is going to want to fight the person doing this unknowingly to you,” Bones said.

Jim coughed and watched a flower come out of his mouth. “I figure as much. I just...I can’t do that to him,” he whispered.

“Very well.”


	12. 12: 1st Time???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a misunderstanding on Jim's part along with Spock.

The  _ Enterprise _ was docked at a starbase. Jim was allowed off the ship if watched by someone that Bones trusted to keep him out of danger, so it ended up being Spock. They had to go for a trial for Kodos, which was draining on Spock’s mental energy. Jim leaned against Spock and smiled at him. “Thanks for being mortal support,” he whispered.

“It is what friends are for.”

Jim beamed, dragging Spock towards a restaurant. Spock blinked for a moment at the action, but he did not refuse the attention. He smiled at the vast array of vegetarian options. Jim smiled at him and shook his head. “Spock-” Jim started, but he was cut off by a gaggle of girls staring at him nearly drooling at the sight of him.

“Captain Kirk! You’re even cuter in person!” They exclaimed.

He laughed awkwardly, looking over to Spock who had a slight tint of green on his cheeks.  _ Interesting. _ “Girls, girls, what exactly do you need?” He asked, flashing a charming smile.

“Oh, you’re out with your First Officer. You’re probably doing important business.”

He nodded before looking over to Spock, who was meddling with his hands. Jim smirked a little at the thought that went through his mind. “Yeah, I am,” he said, reaching towards Spock.

“Captain, what are you-”

“It’s  _ Jim _ .”

Spock looked at him before touching his hand. “Jim, what are you doing?” He asked.

“I...I need to talk to you about something very important after we eat. Could we walk around in this little area I saw earlier on our way here?”

Spock cocked his head for a moment before nodding. Jim smiled before releasing his hand and waving their waiter down. The dinner went by smoothly. Jim, however, was a bundle of energy. He was leaning from either foot not able to contain his energy as they made it outside. He breathed in the air and looked at the trees and the little fountain in the middle of the pond that was surrounded by the walkway. He smiled before reaching towards Spock’s hand and walking towards the bank and sitting down.

"You wanted to speak with me?"

Jim nodded as he hummed to the faint sound of music from a venue playing old Terran music. His eyes trailed upwards. "Thanks for being there for me," he muttered.

"It is nothing you have to thank me for."

"Still. I feel like I  _ have _ to."

Spock shook his head, opening his mouth to protest. Jim smiled at the way his friend worked. "You are a mystery, Jim," Spock muttered, causing Jim to burst out laughing.

"Is that a compliment, Mister Spock?"

"I do not know."

Jim smiled at him before seeing an animal come towards him. He shook his head and reached his hand out towards it. Spock grabbed Jim’s arm and shook his head. “Jim, you are allergic to feathers. Do not touch the animal,” Spock said.

“You are such a mother hen.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. “You have to go on trial and testify tomorrow. Do you believe you are in the right headspace for that?” Spock asked.

“I don’t wanna think about it. I just wanna clear my mind from everything that’s happened on the  _ Enterprise  _ for a little bit.”

Spock opened his mouth to speak, but a shrill screech came. The two turned to see a young girl staring at Jim with wide eyes, running towards them. Jim sighed and looked at her with a tired yet still charming smile. “Hello, how may I assist you?” He said.

“You’re Captain Kirk!”

“Jim Kirk. I try not to stay under my father’s shadow.”

Spock cast him a sidelong glance, but Jim shrugged it off. The girl smiled, seeming to be ignoring Spock’s presence. Though, how could you? He was a tall Vulcan, a Vulcan in itself is pretty intimidating. “Well, could we go somewhere perhaps a little more private?” She asked, a slight purr in her voice, but Jim looked over at Spock.

“I’m sorry, but I have to decline. Maybe later?”

The girl looked at him, batting her eyelashes before huffing a sigh. “Fine. Here’s my number,” she said, slipping a piece of paper in his front pocket with a slight squeeze. “Call me when you get the chance.”

Jim blinked for a moment before turning his attention to the animal that had settled a few feet away that he nearly petted. “She seemed enamoured with you. You should have taken her offer up,” Spock offered.

“I didn’t want to leave your company if that’s so hard to believe.”

“I believe it is.”

Jim sighed, laying down in the grass. Spock narrowed his eyes at him. “You are allergic to grass. Jim, I do not want to carry you to Doctor McCoy and have to explain that you would not listen to my instructions of staying away from your allergens,” Spock argued.

“You just don’t like spending so much time with Bones. Grass isn’t  _ that _ big of a deal with my allergies. Besides you have a list. Why aren’t you stopping me from doing stupider shit? I’ve made it this far in life running and playing in the grass, laying in it for a little bit won’t kill me.”

Spock sighed and looked away from Jim. Jim just shook his head. “You are one of the most stubborn people I have ever met, Jim,” Spock muttered.

“Thanks?”

“Why did you bring me here exactly?”

Jim felt his heart start to beat quickly and looked over at the little animal, realizing that it was all too familiar to a mallard from Earth. He shook his head and looked back over at the back of Spock’s head. “Why did you never tell me about Uhura and you breaking up? Everyone else on the ship knew. I was the last one,” he said, opting out of what his original plan was.

“You brought me here for that?”

“Not originally, but things change.”

“What was the original plan?” Spock asked with a single uptick of a brow.

Jim took a deep breath. “I can’t say,” he whispered.

“Very well,” Spock muttered, standing up and walking off, leaving Jim alone at the bank of the pond.

Jim stood and looked at the little creature that immediately looked at him with beady eyes. He shook his head and started to laugh. “I fucked that up,” he muttered before walking towards his temporary housing only to run into Bones.

“Jim, where’s Spock?”

“Uhm, yeah, bout that...I think I pissed him off.”

“Dammit. What did you do?”

Jim looked in the room and pouted. “I was gonna try and tell him, but I choked. Bones, I fucked our friendship up,” he muttered.

“Well, you have to go on trial tomorrow about Kodos. Just...don’t think about Spock, alright?”

“Easier said than done.”


	13. 13: Trials and Tribulations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trial for Kodos the Executioner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2020 is stressful especially since I live in America right now, so instead of being able to focus on my homework, I decided to update early because my anxiety is high on what's going on.

Jim stood in the wings of the courtroom, pulling at his collar. He saw Spock walk in, talking with Uhura, and the immediate feeling of flowers scratching his throat was way too much to bear. He blinked a few tears away before looking over at Bones. “Hey, Bones? Do you have any idea why they make these damn suits so uncomfortable?” He asked.

“Just be glad it’s not the ones like the twenty-first century. God only knows why they would want us to starch our uniforms.”

Jim sighed and messed with his glasses on the bridge of his nose before looking over at Bones. “Do I have anymore contacts?” He asked.

“Only one set. Jim, are you sure about going on trial? The flowers are blooming faster than they should be. Something’s going on. I’m worried.

“Bones, that bastard has to get his time. Those were innocent lives he took. I saw friends of mine die. He went after _my_ crew.”

Bones nodded and handed the last set of contacts to Jim. “Just be careful. I don’t want you to be in here for anything that you would kill me for if I did it without your permission,” he said.

“I won’t try.”

Bones nodded with a bittersweet smile on his face. Jim saluted him as he walked into the bathroom and quickly put his contacts in. As he pocketed his glasses, Spock entered the room and looked at him once over. Jim took a deep breath and gave him a smile. “Hey Spock,” he said.

“Captain.”

“Look, I’m sorry about last night,” he said.

“ _Kadiith_.”

Jim blinked at him. “I don’t know what that means,” he muttered.

“It is what is. You have to be out there soon. I needed to take a break for a moment from the people.”

Jim looked at Spock for a moment. “Are you alright?” He asked softly.

Spock nodded. Jim frowned as he looked at the way Spock’s hat was tilted slightly. He shook his head slightly, feeling a slight discomfort in his throat- a telltale sign that he was about to have an attack. He looked away towards the door and sighed. “I’ll be seeing you,” he whispered softly, reaching out and squeezing Spock’s bicep.

“Jim, are you sure that you are alright to do this?”

Jim turned, meeting Spock’s eyes; he saw a glint of the worry in those eyes. He smiled softly and nodded. “I will be. You don’t have to worry about me,” he replied, stepping out of the room.

Slowly, Jim made his way into the courtroom. People muttered around him. His crew looked at him as he sat in the front near the lawyer. He took a steadying breath as he watched Spock walk in with a stoic look on his face then turned to see Kodos and Lenorre walk in wearing their prisoner uniforms. Jim closed his eyes and nodded, hearing faint screams and grunts in his mind.

“Jim, are you sure that you are okay?”

Jim turned in a swift movement to see Bones looking at him with his hazel eyes. He smiled and nodded. “I’m sure,” he whispered with no confidence.

Bones nodded with a grim look as he settled back down. Jim looked forward as the judge walked in. She had her hair pulled up in a tight bun and kept a steady look on her face. Jim barely noticed that he was called to stand, though. He kicked himself mentally as he made his way up to the podium and looked at his crew in the seats, making eye contact with Spock then Bones.

The lawyer opposing Kodos gave him a stern look. “Captain Jim Kirk, can you tell the court how you came to know the man over there,” he said in a gruff voice.

“Yes, I am a survivor from the farming planet Tarsus IV. I was on his private list to be executed. Out of the nine kids that got out, I’m the only survivor.”

“How old were you on the planet?”

“I turned thirteen on the planet.”

The lawyer nodded and looked at Jim for a moment before turning to look at Kodos. “What exactly happened on Tarsus IV if you don’t mind sharing?” He asked.

“I mean, the textbook is that a fungus infected the crops. We started to starve since the replicators got fried. Kodos stepped up as governor to help aid the people. His aiding, though, was a case of eugenics. The people with the genetic lucks got to survive pretty much,” he explained, shrugging.

The lawyer nodded and sat down. “No further questions,” he said.

The other lawyer stood. A lanky Orion and gave a flirtatious smile towards the judge then Jim. Jim squirmed a little in his seat, a feeling that something was in throat and needing to cough. He shook his head and just gave her a weak smile. “So, you were on the planet at the age of thirteen. You’re what? Thirty now? That was seventeen years ago. You could lose some memories over that time period. Wouldn’t you say so?” She asked.

“I would say so. I mean, I don’t remember my first kiss. I remember how I lost my virginity though. I don’t remember the first time I drank, but that could be because I got black-out drunk at the quarry in Riverside. I do have a witness here that can tell you that when he contacted the _Enterprise_ his identity was confirmed.”

“Oh, who would that be?”

“My first officer.”

She smiled and turned to the audience. Spock stood and looked at her with a cocked head. She turned back and looked back at Jim. “Oooh! He’s a good looking Vulcan! Anyways, why would be put on this supposed list?” She asked.

Jim sighed and looked at her. “I was premature. Do you know what the supposed problems come with a premature birth? There’s a lot. I have allergies, a long list. I have asthma. I have some mental health problems. That’s not something you want people in the next generations to have,” he said.

“How did you make it through as a captain?”

“Ask admiralty. I don’t know.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Is it true that you are making this list up?” She asked.

“It is not.”

She smirked. “You have no evidence. You are expecting us to go on your word, and you seemingly have flubbed your way into Starfleet. How are we supposed to believe that?” She asked.

Jim looked out into his crew and met Spock’s eyes. “My first officer knows. He initiated a mind meld, and he knows my history on Tarsus IV. He knows,” he replied.

“Memories are fickle things.”

Spock stepped down and looked at her. “Not in mind melds. Those are the original memories,” he said.

She nodded and looked between the two. “Very well. I guess we call Spock onto the stand,” she said.

Jim looked at Spock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I...I can you forgive me?” He muttered.

“I can. I believe it is a good thing that I did initiate that mind meld.”

Jim nodded and stepped away as Spock settled at the podium. Jim’s anxiety never settled, though. He barely listened to the questions that didn’t pertain to the case, about how Spock was on the _Enterprise_ and worked for Jim. He felt sick to his stomach.

“Mister Spock, what do you know about your captain and the accused?”

Spock took a steadying breath. “This is not my story to tell, but as you will not believe him, Kodos raped the Captain. He was thirteen just wanting to let the younger kids have enough food to survive, and he used him for his own gain," he said.

The Orion lawyer narrowed her eyes. "How can we know that you are not making this up?" She hissed.

"Vulcans do not lie."

She hummed and looked at him. "My client here tells me that your _captain_ has a strange disease. Are you aware of it?" She asked, deflecting.

"I am as I am the captain's emergency contact."

Jim felt the knot in his throat get tighter; he couldn't hold it back anymore. He ran out of the courtroom, coughing. He heard Spock yelling his name over the commotion. It merely made the pain worse.

"Mister Spock! You are on trial!"

"His health is in danger! The trial can wait until I see that my captain is seen to medical care."

The Orion lawyer glared at Spock as he ran towards Jim. Jim was curled over a bin with blood trickling down his chin. Spock knelt beside him while Bones ran. "Captain? Do you know what happened?" Spock asked.

Jim shook his head, coughing a flower petal out. "A rose," he muttered.

"Jim, I have to take you to the hospital. Spock, you think you can handle this?"

"Will the captain be alright?"

Bones looked down at Jim for a moment before looking back at Spock with a tired look. "At this rate, he won't make it to his next birthday. I think Kodos had something to do with making it go faster. We're flyin' blind here," he answered.

"You are saying he could die?"

Bones nodded while Jim groaned at being moved. "Do me a favor and get the son of a bitch prosecuted for Jim's sake," Bones said as he walked away; Spock merely nodded.

Hours later, Jim woke up to beeping. He looked around before his eyes settled on Spock in a corner seeming to meditate. He smiled softly before he was ambushed by a fit of coughs. Bones ran into the room while Spock startled awake. “Captain?” Spock asked with concern.

The coughing got worse. The flowers seemed to be taking hold of something and latching on. Jim started to cry from the lack of oxygen he was getting. Spock panicked while Bones glared at the flower barely peeking through. Bones muttered something under his breath that Spock didn’t catch before stabbing Jim in the neck with a hypo. “We need to get that damn flower out of his throat or he’s going to asphyxiate!” He yelled.

Spock blinked and looked at the bloom before seeing the stem. He reached forward and grabbed it with an unbreakable grip. Jim croaked in pain, and Spock faltered a little on pulling the flower out. However, it came out. Jim slumped back and coughed a little before closing his eyes. Spock looked at Bones who had a grim look on his face. “I told him to get the surgery, but he doesn’t want to hurt the person that he’s in love with without them even knowing. He’s such a goddamn romantic,” he muttered.

“He is not thinking about his health?”

“When does he?”

Spock looked at Jim for a moment and clenched his fist. “Does he not realize how many people care for him?” He asked.

“I don’t know.”

Spock eyed Bones for a moment before looking back to Jim. “Does the person know that they are causing him this much pain?” He asked.

“Jim won’t do that to them. He wants them to come to him, but it’s not their fault, Spock. Some people just don’t fall in love with others. It sucks that Jim got stuck with _this_ , but at least, he’s happy that the other person is happy,” Bones said with a shrug.

Spock looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. “How could someone not-” He cut himself off.

“It’s not how humans work. Look, you aren’t going to be much use to Jim in here sulking. Go do some labs or meditate or some weird Vulcan thing. He needs to rest. I’ll give you a head’s up on his health.”

“Doctor, I _want_ to stay in here if that’s fine with you.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Of course you would,” he muttered.

“Kodos did get tried, Doctor. He got life time.”

Bones laughed a little as he clapped Spock’s shoulder. “I appreciate that. Now, do something productive,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I live in a military family where majority. Yes, the dress uniforms are starched; it's ridiculous.


	14. 14: Visiting Hours Only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim gets visitors while recovering from what happened at the trial. One is frustrated as always.

Jim had multiple visitors in his hospital room. The senior crew was the main ones that kept visiting besides Spock, who seemingly never left. Jim felt a little uncomfortable with all the attention. When the last ensigns left, he looked over at Spock who had been hiding in the corner and smiled tiredly. “When was the last time we played a game of chess?” He asked.

“Approximately four days ago. Why do you ask, Captain?”

“ _Jim_. I’m Jim. All those people called me ‘Captain’ and were acting like I’m wounded. I don’t want that right now. Just wanna play a round of chess with someone that won’t treat me differently from before.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before nodding. “Very well. I can go see if Doctor McCoy can get a chess board for us,” he said before Jim pointed at the left bedside table.

“Got him to bring one in when you were at the trial. I was loopy but asked for it. He made a joke about it the other day when you were outside talking with Uhura about whatever y’all were talking about.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before nodding and reached for it. Jim smiled at him as the chessboard was put together. “Fascinating,” Spock muttered.

“Yeah, it is,” Jim agreed.

Spock looked at him for a moment before setting the board up. They were playing in silent for a little until the door swung open to reveal Sulu, Scotty, and Uhura being followed by a disgruntled Bones. Jim laughed a little at the sight before taking one of Spock’s rooks. Spock raised an eyebrow before taking a pawn. “Hey guys, I’m playing a game of chess with Spock. What y’all need?” He said.

“We were wondering how you were doing,” Uhura said.

“Yeah, against visiting hours. I’m gonna get in trouble for this,” Bones grumbled.

“Well! Spock gets to be in here!” Sulu countered.

“Spock’s my emergency contact. If something happens, he can administer my hypos in case Bones is on a different floor or unable to get to me. It’s a safety precaution,” Jim replied as he took a pawn in retaliation to Spock, sticking his tongue out at him; Spock’s lips quirked a tiny bit in amusement.

“Aye, so yae having a health problem? Is it the pollen from natural trees?” Scotty asked.

Jim blinked a little as he watched Spock move a piece. _Could that be a possibility?_ “I dunno Scotty. Bones, why don’t you do some tests?” He asked.

“I will when all your visitors leave. They owe me some shots for always having to save your ass.”

Jim smiled. “I’ll get you a big bottle of ale,” he said with a wink.

“You heifer!”

Jim fell out into a fit of giggles as he took a knight from Spock. Spock frowned at the move before shaking his head and taking one of Jim’s rooks. Jim smiled slightly and leaned over, ruffling Spock’s hair. Spock looked at Jim with a confused expression before narrowing his eyes, causing Jim to devolve into more laughter before he started coughing. Bones’s eyes widened and rounded everyone out of the room. “Alright! I have to do something on Jim! Visiting is over! You can come at a _normal_ time!” He said, pushing the crew out of the room.

Spock grabbed his hypo and got Jim in the neck. Jim coughed out a rose bloom before looking at Spock in the eyes. “You’re always got my back,” he muttered.

Spock glared at the rose picking it up and throwing it away. “Doctor, I am worried,” he said.

“I am too, Spock.”

Spock took a deep breath and looked at Jim for a moment before moving the table with their chess game on it. He smiled at the illogical way Jim was playing. “He is an illogical person,” he muttered.

“You’re telling me. I was his roommate in Academy. I love the man, but he does things ass backwards.”

Spock nodded as he went to his little corner of the room. “I will stay here until he wakes up,” Spock announced.

“I expect nothing less.”

When Jim did wake up, he looked over and saw a blurry form in the corner where Spock was. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Glasses?” He asked.

Spock stood and handed him his glasses as he stood. Jim put them on his face and looked at Spock who had a worried face. “Hey, Spock, I’m fine,” he said, reaching towards him.

“You can die any day now. You do not seem to care about that.”

“Well, I mean, I wasn’t supposed to-”

“But you have. People care about you. The entire crew of the _Enterprise_ cares for you if you could not tell by the visitations from earlier.”

Jim glared at Spock. “Spock, you’re only saying this because of duty. That’s always what you tell me. Look, I don’t want to be told that I’m cared about by someone that doesn’t tell me these things when it doesn’t pertain to duty,” he countered.

“It is not just duty!”

“Then what is it?”

“You!”

Jim stared at Spock, blinking for a moment. The word processed in his mind. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. “What do you mean?” He asked.

“Jim, you are my friend. Yes, I do these things out of duty, but I never did such things when I was on board with Pike. He was my captain, but I never felt the need to find a way to bend the regulations to help him.”

“You _are_ a stickler for regulations.”

Spock looked at Jim for a moment before continuing. “You have people that care about you. Why do you not see that?” He asked.

Jim looked away, towards the tiny window he had in his room and saw the stars. He frowned a little. “I don’t know. I feel like it’s all fake a little like they like me because I’m their captain. I feel like there’s pity because of also what happened to me on Tarsus IV. I just, I don’t wanna think about it,” he said.

“It is not all pity.”

“My mind doesn’t know that. Look, can we continue our chess game?”

“I think you should rest. I need to go speak with Doctor McCoy.”

Jim looked at him before nodding. “Yeah, that might be best. You will return though, right?” He asked.

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually used idioms from where I'm from for Bones since I'm from the deep south. While Bones is from Georgia, I'm from another southern state. Quite honestly Bones is the easiest to write in my opinion.


	15. 15: Chasing the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has conversations with 2 important crewmates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a treat because America just finished their election and my stress is over with for that.

Jim was released from the hospital three days later, but they were not able to go out into space. Jim constantly kept going outside towards the little area he tried to tell Spock everything. He stood on the edge of the little lake by himself and stared ahead. “Captain? Should you be here alone?” Uhura asked, coming up behind him.

“No, probably not. I just needed outside of Bones’s mother hen nature. Spock is off doing labs, and I wasn’t gonna torture him for me to have a little walk outside.”

She smiled. “You sure that you don’t mind torturing Spock? You seemed to enjoy flustering him the other day,” she teased.

“Oh, I didn’t say that. I just said I wasn’t doing it  _ this _ time. There’s a difference.”

“Right. Well, why are you here all alone?”

Jim turned and looked at his Chief Xenolinguist. “I needed to think about something in all honesty,” he answered.

“Mind sharing?”

He took a deep breath and stared ahead. A light breeze came by, ruffling his hair. He laughed a little before looking up at the sky. “I don’t really want to. It’s a little private. I mean, you know a lot about me that I didn’t want anyone to know about me,” he said.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing you can help with Uhura. I was a kid trying to survive. It’s nothing that can be done about the past now.”

Uhura looked at him for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Spock and I broke up. I don’t know if he told you or what he told you, but I broke up with him. We are still friends, but I thought you should know,” she said.

“He told me that it was from being unemotional.”

“Well, I would have liked more emotional responses from him, but I knew what I was getting into when I got in a relationship with a Vulcan. It was more of our time together was me fussing about him not taking our relationship seriously. I realize it was shitty, but he nearly left to go and help with Vulcan repopulate. He stayed for a different reason than me.”

Jim looked at her. “Wait, when did this happen?” He asked.

“Altamid. We broke up then. I tried a little afterwards, but it didn’t last two weeks. It was too stressful.”

Jim nodded. “You two were a great couple,” he acknowledged.

“We had way too many faults. I don’t think he actually liked me as much as he tried to make me believe. I don’t know, though. Vulcan culture is strange.”

“That’s the thing, though. He’s not all Vulcan.”

Uhura sighed and gave a pointed look to Jim. “That may be so, but he was raised as a pureblood Vulcan. Suppress emotions and all that jazz. He’s the only one of his kind,” she said.

“He’s not  _ that _ great at suppressing them. He has tells like all of us.”

Uhura laughed a little. “Captain, only you would notice that. I was with him for years and didn’t notice any of these so-called tells that much,” she said.

“His eyes. He also moves his lips when he finds something amusing.”

She smiled at him. “You love him,” she stated.

Jim froze and saw the same animal from the other day walk up to him. He flinched a little at Uhura’s hand on his bicep. “You should probably tell him. He’s not good at picking up cues,” she said.

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t? Captain, you’re smart. Do something with that brain.”

Jim laughed a little as he watched Uhura walk away. He sat on the ground and reached towards the animal to pet it. He heard a yell and rolled his eyes before turning to see Spock glaring at him. Spock looked pissed at the fact that Jim was unattended and surrounded by allergens, but Jim shrugged. “Hey!” He called out, waving an arm.

“Captain, what are you doing out here  _ alone _ with a fowl?”

“I was thinking about things.”

Spock narrowed his eyes. “You are allergic to feathers,” he said as he shooed the fowl away.

“Yeah yeah. I know my allergies.”

“You seem to not know them.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Spock, what made you join Starfleet?” He asked.

“Knowledge. I was accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy, but I turned them down when they made a comment about my mother. What about you?”

“A dare. I wanted to see if I could get out of my father’s shadow on a dare.”

“Illogical reasoning, but it did turn out good in the end.”

Jim smiled, looking up to see Spock standing beside him. He stood and looked at Spock. “Do you regret joining Starfleet or any of the choices you’ve made?” He asked.

“Only allowing you to go on that ship with Kodos. I regret the ones that allow you to get hurt.”

A pang went through Jim’s chest along with the feeling of something growing in his chest. He bit back a gasp of pain and nodded. “I regret a lot of things, but at the same time, I would probably still do them,” he said, answering the question that Spock was going to turn on him.

“Understandable.”

“Are you ready to go back out in space?”

Spock met Jim’s eyes. “I am ready to be back at your side,” he answered.


	16. 16: Beneath the Milky Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk with multiple people, diplomacy, and a bit of fluff.

It had been months since an attack. Bones considered that a win, but Jim knew something bad was happening. They were coasting on a diplomatic mission before a shore leave. Jim took a deep breath and felt a rattling in his chest. He shook his head and walked into the shared bathroom he had with Spock to see his reflection: skewed glasses, unkempt hair, five o’clock shadow, and dried drool.

“Captain? Have you been sleeping adequately?”

“What’s the Stardate Spock?”

“The Stardate is 2263.347.”

Jim stretched his arms and looked back at his reflection. “I haven’t slept great. I haven’t had an attack in months since the trial. I’m freaking out a little, but I also just don’t have a great feeling with this time of the year,” he told him.

“Has Doctor McCoy done any tests to see if it has gone away?”

“Spock, I doubt it has. I haven’t told the guy that I love that I love him, and I’m not exactly planning on doing it anytime soon.”

“Perhaps they love you, too?”

“Doubtful.”

Spock stood in his doorway and narrowed his eyes at Jim. “Why do you say that,  _ Captain _ ?” He asked in a dangerous tone.

Jim didn’t give two flying flips. “Spock, you’re using a tone I’m not in the mood with being sleep deprived to deal with. Cut it out. Look, I get that it’s strange perhaps for you to think that I don’t see how anyone could like me, but you’ve fucking seen what I went through on Tarsus IV. I’ve been through shit by people that supposedly loved me. I’m not putting faith in them to actually be in love with me,” he said, turning to go back to his room.

Jim closed his door after giving one last look to Spock who looked hurt and confused. Something hurt in Jim’s chest at seeing that face. He took a deep breath as he grabbed his uniform then walked to his replicator to get some coffee. He frowned at the taste and looked out his viewing window to see the stars. He leaned his head against the wall, too tired to change into his contacts as he stared at the infiniteness of space starting to get blurry.

“Jim! Goddammit! You fell asleep and missed your physical! I had to find out where you were from the computer!” Bones was yelling over his body with a light shining from either eye.

“I-I don’t remember falling asleep.”

“I asked Spock if you have been getting sleep. He told me that you told him you felt like shit. He recommended some tests.”

Jim grumbled and rubbed his head, forgetting his glasses. “Look, Bones, tests won’t be necessary. Just give me some sleeping meds,” he said.

“What’s wrong son?”

“You’re like four years older than me. I just don’t do good in this season okay? Look, Spock is being overreactive.”

“You passed out from exhaustion. I don’t think the Hobgoblin is being overreactive.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I just have been having some nightmares. Just get me some melatonin in me. I’ll be fine, okay?” He said.

“In a pig’s eye you will be. I’m running some tests, and you’re staying here overnight.”

Jim settled on the bed and looked at the ceiling. “Bones, I...I don’t know what’s going on. I’m scared to die, but I don’t want to tell Spock that I love him,” he whispered.

“It’s an understandable fear.”

Bones shook his head as he pulled the x-ray over Jim’s chest. “You know the drill,” he muttered as he turned the machine on.

Jim nodded, following the instructions numbly. He could vaguely feel the flowers growing in his chest. He closed his eyes as he breathed in deeply before holding the breath and then letting it out slowly. Bones looked at him and shook his head. “Jim, the flowers are growing and have nowhere to go. Why aren’t you coughing them up?” He asked.

“God said for me to die painfully; he’s coming through.”

Bones shook his head as he looked at Jim. “I have to tell Spock. You do realize that, right?” Bones asked.

“I realize. Look, just don’t let him freak out.”

“The hobgoblin doesn’t freak out.”

Jim smirked a little at that. “You’d be surprised. Now, I have to get ready for this party that we are hosting for these Andorians on the ship. According to Sulu, they  _ insisted _ which I doubt,” he said.

“You aren’t going to drink any alcohol are you?”

“Nah, not tonight. Don’t want you and Spock pestering me all about it. I’ll be safe.”

Bones glared at him for a moment before allowing him to leave the room. Jim walked down the corridors before taking a look at the time. He sighed as he made his way into his quarters and shook his head. A knock came to his door, causing him to look up and meet Spock’s gaze. He smiled a little as he sat at his table. “Are you ready for the party?” He asked.

“It is illogical.”

Jim smiled at the statement as he took a shuddering breath. “Well, it’s for fun. I mean, Imma dress in some nice clothes as opposed to my dress suit. Wouldn’t matter what you wear,” he said with a shrug.

“Jim, are you alright?”

“I’m just dandy.”

Spock gave him a pointed look and Jim shook his head. “The disease is doing a weird thing. The flowers are still growing in my chest, but they won’t leave my body,” he said.

“Prognosis?”

“I’ll probably die around Christmas,” Jim said with a shrug. “I’ll be like Tiny Tim”

“That is foolish to speak of yourself like that.”

Jim shook his head. “Spock, think about it. I’m thirty with a long list of health problems. I shouldn’t be alive,” he said.

“Stop saying those things.”

“Fine. Look, sorry about pissing you off, but it is true.”

Spock crossed his arms and glared at Jim. Jim sighed and gave a tired look to Spock. “Captain, would you be opposed to being my dance partner?” He asked softly.

“I would love to,” he replied with a smile.

Spock nodded, walking through their shared bathroom. Jim smiled as he laid on the bed before turning to look up out at the stars. He smiled softly at the sight before getting his clothes ready for later.

Later when majority of the crew was off, the party began. Jim walked in the mess hall with his glasses on and smiled at everyone. He caught sight of Spock and made his way towards him. “Mister Spock, please let me use you as a reason to escape everyone,” he teased.

“Very well, Captain.”

Jim smiled at him as they linked arms together. They walked out to the observation deck and looked out. Jim leaned on Spock’s shoulder and smiled. “It looks so nice out there,” he muttered.

“Indeed.”

Jim hummed, swaying to the music that was playing over the speakers. He looked up at Spock and held out a hand. “Shall we?” He asked.

Spock looked at his hand and nodded before he took his hand. They swayed to the beat of the song before Jim stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Spock’s neck. He hummed along with the song as they swayed to and fro underneath the starlight. As the song ended, Jim pulled away and coughed slightly with blood falling out. “That’s such an old song, but it’s a good song,” he commented.

“What is it?”

“Oh, “Kiss Me”. It was released in the 1990’s for an old movie. It’s alright for the time.”

Spock hummed as he kept his hands on Jim’s waist. Jim smiled at him as he swayed a little to the new song playing. Spock arched a brow, but Jim just shook his head as he looked at the stars. “Captain, are you sure that you are alright?” Spock asked.

“Got a lot of pent-up energy, but other than that, I’m fine.”

Spock nodded and looked at him for a moment before pulling him flush to his chest after turning him around. Jim blinked and looked up at him. “Spock? Wha-” He didn’t finish when two ensigns came through causing them to pull apart.

Jim felt his whole body that was flush to Spock’s body feel as if it was stinging on fire. He stared at Spock from across the walkway in the observation deck while drunk ensigns walked arm in arm with boisterous laughter or were making out. “I am sorry,” Spock said, rushing out of the room.

“Spock! Wait!” Jim called out, reaching towards his friend, but he was already gone.

Jim stood there with the millions of stars casting light on him as he looked where Spock stood.  _ Does he? No, we are friends. It’s stupid. I was imagining things. I need to stop. _ Jim didn’t return to the party, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is quite literally where I got the name from for this fic.


	17. 17: Merry Christmas You Filthy Animals!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Christmas cheer on the Enterprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to the end!!!!!  
> I hope you guys enjoy this.

Christmas on the  _ Enterprise _ meant Jim signing off on whatever  _ sane _ party idea that Checkov and Sulu had. However, since Checkov got sent to a better job opportunity, the party ideas had sort of died down with the crazy duo. He sighed as he looked at a PADD of things to be signed off for a Christmas celebration.  _ For morale _ . He grimaced as he stood from his bed and heard his knees pop. “Fuck the holidays,” he muttered.

“Captain, I am sorry to intrude. Do you have a moment?”

Jim looked up to see Spock. It was the first time since the party that was two days ago. He smiled at him, waving at his little table. “Mister Spock, you are my FO. I can manage a few minutes for you,” he teased with a wink.

“I was wondering if you would sign my request to leave the  _ Enterprise. _ ”

Jim dropped his glass and all thoughts left his mind. His hands shook as he lost the ability to breathe. Was there a metaphorical lump in his throat or was it a flower bloom? He felt a tear come down his cheek as he thought about the words for a moment before falling to his knees, unaware of the glass cutting through his lounge pants into his skin. “Captain?!” Spock yelled, running to his side.

_ He doesn’t like me. I had my hopes up too high, and they weren’t even up high. I can’t believe. I should let him leave, but I don’t want him too. That’s selfish. _

“Jim!”

Jim started coughing. A flower bloom fell out at their feet. “Uhm, will a week be enough time for me to get the stuff together?” He asked in a choked voice.

“I am taking you to Doctor McCoy.”

Jim placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t. I just want to know why you want to be transferred from the  _ Enterprise _ ,” he said as another fit of coughs racked through his body.

“I-”

The ship lurched, and Jim fell on top of Spock. Their eyes met for a millisecond before Jim pushed himself off of Spock and ran, wheezing as he got to the bridge. “What’s going on?” He yelled, forgetting his appearance of pajamas and glasses.

“We are in an asteroid belt! It’s nothing too serious Captain!”

Jim nodded and turned to look at Spock for a moment before walking towards the mess hall. Spock followed him. Jim felt a small pang in his chest at the feeling of soon not being able to see Spock on the ship. “You gonna tell me?” He asked as he got a replicated bowl of oatmeal and sat down.

“It seems that I may have crossed a line at the party with you. I do not want to offend, and it would be best if I left.”

“Spock, what are you talking about? Whatever it is I’m not  _ exactly _ upset about it. I enjoyed our time together.”

Spock looked at him, a green tint high on his cheeks. Jim smiled as he ate some of his oatmeal. “I held you against your consent,” Spock said.

“If I didn’t like it, you would have known. You might be a lot of things, but you’re not a dumbass.”

Spock narrowed his eyes at Jim for a moment. “I do believe that to prevent future mishaps from happening that I be transferred,” he said.

Jim looked at him for a moment, pushing away his bowl. “What if I say no? What about that?” He said.

Spock blinked at him. “Why would you do that?” Spock asked.

“You aren’t giving a clear answer why you wanna leave.”

Spock looked at Jim before shaking his head. "You are infuriating. I must be transferred, so that none of that happens again in the future," he said.

"I'm not destined to survive this year. I'll allow it, but you have to give me a week to get some stuff done before your order, okay?"

Spock nodded, standing up to leave. Jim watched as he left him alone. He felt numb as he sat at the table with half a bowl of oatmeal left.  _ Merry Christmas. _

A week passed with Jim avoiding Spock. He managed to backlog the order with more Christmas party orders. He kept getting less sleep as the days got closer to the twenty-fifth. He hid in Bones office, drinking his third cup of coffee for the day.

"Jim, what's wrong? You've been avoiding Spock," Bones asked.

"He wants to transfer off the  _ Enterprise _ ; I don't know if I can do it."

Bones nodded as he looked at him, grabbing a glass of coffee. “Well, that sounds like a fucking problem. What are you going to do? Are you going to let him?” He asked.

“I have to. I can’t let him be upset. I feel like shit if I do,” Jim replied as he finished his coffee that had gotten cold, sitting under the air vent in the medbay.

“You aren’t drinking another cup of coffee now. You are getting rest. I’ll deal with the Hobgoblin if he comes looking for you. Just rest. You look like shit.”

“Nice to see that you care.”

“I do.”

Jim yawned as he stretched before leaving out of the office, running into Spock. He looked up at Spock’s eyes and flushed before turning back into the office and coughing up his coffee and a flower bloom along with blood. No words were said in the office. Bones jabbed a hypo in Jim’s neck while Spock stared at his captain in fear of him dying. “Doctor?” He asked.

“Get out of here, Spock! Unless you want me to imprison you!”

Spock ducked his head, leaving the medbay. Jim groaned as he was flung on the biobed in his seemingly designated isolation quarter of the medbay. “Wha?” Jim started.

“If you start yappin’, I’m liable to put a sedative in your system.”

Jim smirked as Bones worked with some hypos. A fit of coughs racked through Jim’s body. Jim’s mind immediately went to Spock’s worried eyes. His heart ached at the thought. “I have to see him,” he rasped.

“Like hell you are. I’m not letting you out of here, and if he gets in here, you are going to die on those flowers.”

“If I don’t, my mind is going to picture him and let me beat myself up over it. I  _ need _ to see him.”

Bones sighed and motioned for Christine Chapel. She looked at him for a moment while Jim coughed, struggling to get a flower out of his throat. She nodded as she got her message, running out of the medbay. “Christine’s going to get him. Jim, you’re going to die if you do this,” he said.

“Either way. Look, I…”

Spock entered the room and looked between Bones and Jim. Christine nodded before closing the door. Jim coughed out a flower before Bones stabbed Jim in the neck again with a strong hypo with a larger dose of antihistamine. “Doctor?” Spock asked.

“Jim wanted to see you. He’s dying. Look, when he wakes up, he’s gonna want to see you. Stay,” he said.

“He has been avoiding me.”

“I wonder. It’s not like you put in a damn request to leave this damned ship. Didn’t I fucking tell you that he needs you? What is he going to do without you? His first thought when he’s on his goddamned death bed is to call you. You know what! Leave!”

Spock blinked at the angry tone that the doctor used against him before settling in the chair that was against the wall from the last visit that was made in the room. He stared at Jim’s sleeping form. He tried to will his body into meditation until he realized he couldn’t. He sighed and paced the room.

Four days. The dose that McCoy had given Jim was strong enough to take him out for four days. Spock did not leave Jim’s side for the entire time, mostly. The doctor was not happy. When Jim woke up, he immediately coughed a flower petal out of his mouth as soon as he saw Spock sitting in the room. “Jim?” Spock asked, worry filling his voice.

“I’m fine,” Jim lied.

“That is not true. You called for me. Doctor McCoy says that you are dying.”

Jim looked at Spock for a moment before looking up at the ceiling. “I know who it is. I know I have probably till the end of this year  _ max _ and tomorrow at the minimum. I don’t want to corner them,” Jim explained.

“Did McCoy tell you this?”

“Spock, I can tell. I know my body. Look, I don’t want you to leave the ship. I couldn’t sign the orders; that was why I was avoiding you.”

Spock looked at him about to object when Jim started to cough up a flower. When the flower landed in his lap, Spock looked at him with wide eyes. “Jim, that is not the same flower as before,” he said.

“It changes,” Jim replied with a shrug.

“Does that not make it harder?”

“Not when I know who it is already. Look, Spock, people’s favorites can change over time.”

Spock blinked for a moment before he nodded. “Tomorrow is the Terran holiday Christmas,” he said instead.

“I know. It’s kinda funny that these are poinsettias. They must’ve found them really interesting or something. I dunno.”

Spock looked away before smiling at an idea. “I have to go get something. I will be back,” he said.

“You promise?”

“I will be back.”

Jim nodded as he watched Spock walk out of the room. Bones reentered the room and looked pointedly at the flower in Jim’s lap. “His favorite flower is the good ole jolly poinsettia? That’s mighty ironic. Don’t they symbolize good cheer and all that jazz?” Bones asked with a cup of coffee in his hands.

“They do. It’s fine. I think he just got interested in them with the Christmas cheer going on. It’s all good. I’m not allergic to them.”

“Where’d he go? I’m not too fond of what he did to you.”

Jim narrowed his eyes at Bones and was about to say something when Spock reentered the room with a wrapped gift. Jim looked at the box for a moment before looking up at Bones then to Spock. “I didn’t get you anything, though,” he whispered.

“You being alive will be enough,” Spock replied.

Jim felt a tear roll down his cheek because Spock  _ couldn’t  _ know what that meant to him. He tore the paper to reveal a hardcover of  _ A Christmas Carol _ by Charles Dickens. Jim choked back a sob before throwing his arms around Spock. “Thank you,” he cried out.

“Please do not die, Jim.”

Jim bit back on the cough, but a flower petal escaped his lips onto the floor behind Spock. “I will try not to,” he whispered.


	18. 18: So Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little conversation between Jim and Spock about things.

It was the end of the year. Jim was standing on the observation deck at gamma shift. He didn’t hear anyone come down the corridor while he stared at the stars and few planets out there. He smiled softly while humming to the song from weeks ago that he danced with Spock to in his head. “You seem to be content, Captain,” Spock commented.

“Oh! Mister Spock! I didn’t hear you!”

“It is fine. Are you feeling fine?”

Jim looked up at him and smiled before coughing a little. Spock frowned slightly at the reaction. “Yeah, I’m just unable to sleep, so I’m looking at the stars. Wanna join me?” He asked.

“That would be amenable.”

Jim smiled as he hummed. Spock looked over at him for a moment before reaching over and touching his hand. Jim grabbed his hand and leaned his head over onto his shoulder. “Remember the party?” He asked softly.

“I do.”

“That was so ridiculous.”

“It was. Are you humming the song that we danced to?”

“I am. It’s stuck in my head.”

Spock nodded as he continued to look out at the stars. Jim coughed allowing a flower petal out his mouth. “You are still coughing flowers. Are you certain that you are alright?” Spock asked.

“I will be alright. I don’t wanna leave.”

“Jim, if you start to-”

“ _ Spock _ , there’s nothing that can bring me to want to leave this even death itself.”

Spock closed his mouth but he fixed Jim with a look. “The year is almost over. It is almost 2264,” Spock muttered.

“Yeah. There’s a Terran thing where you make wishes for your next year. Do you have any?”

“That is illogical.”

“I know, but still, you  _ are _ part Human.”

Spock gave Jim a side-glance with a quirk of his lips. “Would telling you not diminish the chance of my wish from coming true?” He asked with amusement.

“I guess you’re right. Oh well,” Jim said with a shrug before laughing.

They fell into companionable silence for a long while. Ensigns that were on duty passed by, not giving them any second looks. Jim looked at Spock’s side profile as Spock looked out at the stars. He could feel the plants in his chest growing for a moment. He sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his face against the glass on the observation deck. “Jim? Is something the matter?” Spock asked.

“Tired.”

“You should rest in your quarters.”

“No. I don’t wanna miss seeing your face.”

Spock pulled his hand free from Jim’s and looked at his captain for a moment. He noticed the bags under his eyes and the taut skin on his figure, how pale he was. Spock started beating himself up for not noticing earlier. “Have you not been resting or eating well?” He asked in a slightly raised voice.

“The disease keeps making me throw it up. I’m fine, honestly.”

“No, you are not. When was the last time you had a full meal without throwing it up?”

Jim peaked out at Spock and groaned. Spock looked worried and angry at the same time. “You won’t like it,” he whispered.

“I am taking you to eat.”

“You  _ can’t _ !”

Spock stopped from reaching towards Jim and looked at him. “Why?” He asked.

“It won’t help. I’ve tried everything. Soups, full meals, fucking everything. I  _ fucking _ cannot eat with this. Look, this is something that you have to accept that you can’t help with.”

“You are dying Jim!”

“That’s fine with me! I don’t want him to know I love him!”

Spock stared at Jim for a moment before stepping closer. “Who is it?” He asked.

Jim blinked at him for a moment with tears in his eyes. “It’s you. I fucking love you,” Jim said softly.

Spock closed the space between them and just kissed him. Jim gasped at the feeling before wrapping his arms around Spock’s neck. As quick as it started, Spock was pulling away. “You should have said something,” Spock muttered.

“You love me?”

“You are illogical.”

“You love me!”

“Yes, Ashayam, I love you. Now, you are going to go eat and rest,” Spock said, rolling his eyes.

Jim smiled at Spock, kissing him lightly on the tip of his nose. “Fine, only if you come cuddle,” he agreed.


	19. Epilogue: I Guess My Someday Came Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update!!!!
> 
> This is based off of an actual Chris Pine song and I actually really like it sooooo I'm only a little sorry.

When Jim woke up in Spock’s arms, he thought it was all a dream. He cuddled closer before feeling a press of lips on his forehead. “You have a job to do,” Spock said softly.

“Ugh, five more minutes,” Jim groaned.

“Jim, we are already running behind as it is.”

Jim smiled, looking up at Spock. “Fiiiiine, I guess I can go ahead and do my job. Thanks,” he said.

“Jim, thank you for not following through with my wish.”

Jim smiled softly as he pushed his glasses on the bridge of his nose to get out of the bed. “Spock, I love you. It was a little out of selfishness,” he said.

“Still, Ashayam.”

Jim looked at him for a moment for a moment before pressing a kiss on his lips then reaching for his hand. “I’m a selfish bastard,” he said, shrugging and pulling away.

“You are. I am also selfish as well,” Spock said.

“We have to have a talk about this later,” Jim said with a serious tone.

Spock nodded as he stood, wrapping an arm around Jim's waist. "We do. Starfleet has problems with relationships working on the same ship. I may have a way to get around that, however," Spock said.

"Is that how you and Uhura worked together?"

"They never knew."

Jim nodded as Spock ran his hand alongside Jim's. "However, I must tell you that Vulcans kiss like this, Ashayam," Spock whispered as his index and middle finger met Jim's.

Jim shivered and leaned against Spock with a smile on his face turning his head towards him more to catch his lips in a kiss. "Spock, what exactly is your plan for us serving together?" He whispered against his lips.

"Bonding," Spock started, causing a blush to form on Jim's face.

Just then, the doors to the room swished open for Bones to see the two of them. He groaned and threw his hands over his eyes. “So! You two are screwing! That’s fucking great! Just what I needed to add on my health record!” He yelled.

“Oh, Bones! You love us!”

“Well, get your tails on Bridge and do your jobs. Congrats by the way,” Bones said, shaking his head.

Jim smiled, pulling from Spock’s grip. He passed by Bones and patted him on the shoulder who just rolled his eyes. “I told you so,” Bones whispered, however, to Jim; Jim felt a little happiness blooming in his chest

**Author's Note:**

> I, too, am a premature baby, so I am basing a lot of this on my health problems. One of the headcanons I got from another fic that I will link which is amazing and is still in progress, Blinded by You by DaughterofDarkness. The things that got caught up with me that I had no idea about; I did do some research on like 20 tabs on. I do have like 20 million health problems, though.


End file.
